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109 - Finding the Courage to Connect with Others

Hello there, Kevin here with another episode of the Feel Good English Podcast.

The only podcast that is saving the English learners around the world from all those boring English lessons on how to talk about clothing in English. Oh and those boring British grammar video lessons. Saving you from those too.

So welcome!

Today I have an episode based on two words. That’s it, two English words. But these two words affect our lives so much. One of these words is responsible for our loneliness, depression, our feelings of never having enough. It causes hate, and fights, and divorce. It makes us want to put our heads in the sand.

And the other word is the solution to the first word. The second word makes us feel more connected to others, more fulfilled, more courageous, and you’ll be happy to know this word, or applying this word to your life, will also help you become a badass confident English “Resisting Personal Growth” Episode #108 2

speaker. It’s kind of the secret to success with learning a foreign language.

So you could definitely say that this lesson is important. But before I get into today’s lesson, I want to remind you of my

website,feelgoodenglish.com On the website you can find transcripts to episodes, free courses and also you can join my email list to get weekly lessons from me on life, English and, well, lessons like this one. Lessons that mess with your mind! Sorry about that. Sorry about messing with your mind. Must be the psychologist in me. So go check me out at www.feelgoodenlgish.com after the episode.

And let’s get into the episode now, and learn about two big big words that we must learn more about.

So the first word we’re going to talk about here is shame. S-H-A-M-E The dictionary definition of shame is “A painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one’s actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences” That’s the long definition of shame.

Unworthy means having little value, or not deserving attention or respect.

Now I have to say it feels a bit awkward giving you an English lesson on a word like this. Actually, the two words I’m going to talk about in today’s episode are pretty damn heavy. Two heavy words that can really impact your life.

I can almost imagine myself standing in front of a classroom teaching students about shame, getting a bunch of uncomfortable reactions from the students while I’m trying to play it cool. To play it cool means to behave in a calm, controlled way, by the way. So, I’m in front of a classroom, trying to look cool and calm (when inside I might be freaking out) but I’d tell myself, Kevin, play it cool!

But hey, that’s not happening. We’re not in a classroom. You’re wherever you are right now, with this lesson in your ears, and I’m sitting at my desk recording this. Alone, without having to play it cool in front of you.

The beauty of technology.

And now back to the uncomfortable English lesson.

So shame. Shame is a feeling, one that makes us feel that we have failed. That we aren’t as good as others. It causes pain. Emotional pain.

Shame makes us shy away from putting ourselves out there, whether it’s presenting our work, expressing our feelings or trying something new, like speaking a foreign language maybe? We avoid shame, obviously, because we don’t want to feel this emotional pain. We don’t want to feel inferior.

By the way, we can also be ashamed, which is the adjective form of shame. For example, “I’m ashamed to say that I checked my exgirlfriend’s Facebook again” Or the common expression “you should be ashamed of yourself!” You never want to hear that. But we experience shame. Shame is a noun. We can be full of shame, or we can be totally ashamed. The latter is more common, I think. To be ashamed.

“After that terrible presentation I gave that I wasn’t prepared for I was totally ashamed of myself!”

Anyway, let’s talk more about the times in our lives we experience shame. We all do, or at least we all have experienced shame.

How about in school, when your teacher compared you to the other students. Did you at times not feel good enough in certain school subjects? Or in sports, maybe your coach singled you out as someone who wasn’t good enough to be on the team. Maybe your family has done this. Many parents shame their children when they don’t live up to their expectations. I used shame as a verb here, if you noticed. To shame someone. Even spouses might try to make you feel small by blaming you for things that they think you should’ve done, or shouldn’t have done. But before you get mad at you spouse, know that this is just part of human nature; shame is based on fear, and when we’re scared we often look to blame, or to control others. But I digress… Give your family a hug when you see them.

The biggest cause of shame these days, I think however, is this. In a world pervaded by social media, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,

etc…we’re constantly presenting ourselves and our lives to the public.

Or maybe we aren’t presenting anything, for various reasons, one of which could be that we’re ashamed of ourselves,. Another one being simply that we don’t feel the need to share our lives to the public, totally understandable too.

But often, what do you see on Instagram and Facebook? People sharing the best of themselves, right? That classic photo of someone take a picture of their own legs on a beach. Pictures of themselves partying with friends, traveling, looking cool as hell at the gym, their new house; accomplishments they want everyone to see – and to envy. To admire.

“Ahhh, she’s so pretty, and rich, and smart, and popular, and happy!! And look at all of her followers!! She must be amazing!” This is our “never-enough” culture: we live in constant fear that we’re not, or we don’t have, enough. We are ashamed of our lives.

And at the root of this behavior, and this is deep, so pay attention, is the false belief that accumulating things and endlessly improving ourselves will shield us from the uncontrollable misfortunes of life. If we have more, do more, look prettier, we think we won’t feel all those negative emotions that come up, like shame, and also like inferiority, disconnection, and a big one, loneliness.

This never-enough thinking kickstarts a cycle of comparison, shame and disengagement.

But what’s crazy is we compare ourselves with Hollywood stars, models, millionaires – even with ourselves from a “better past”.

“Wow, look how much fun I used to have 10 years ago! I must have been so happy back then.”

Did you forget about all the ups-and-downs you had back then too? And do you think millionaires don’t have ups-and-downs? They definitely have ups-and-downs while taking off and landing on their flights around the world on their private jets. Sorry, bad joke.

But such comparisons are usually based on standards we can’t possibly live up to. And this makes us feel like less of a person. Like we aren’t enough. We experience shame.

So lastly, visualize shame to help you understand it even more. To feel it. Think of a person with their head down, in a corner, by themselves, not wanting to show themselves, or connect with anyone. Feeling like a loser. I know it’s a sad sight., but it’s often real. And it affects so many of us.

Take a minute now, and think about areas in your life you are ashamed about. What do you hide from others? Are you ashamed of your English? I’ll let you search your brain a minute. ………..

There is a way to experience less shame, and stop the cycle. And that’s what I’m going to talk about now. The savior of shame! Oooh, powerful.

Vulnerability. The second word for today.

First, vulnerability is neither good nor bad. Rather, being vulnerable simply means you have the capacity to experience emotions.

Let’s stop for a minute. This is quite the word to challenge your pronunciation.

vul-ner-a-BILity. VU-ner-aBILity

It’s almost like the “L” doesn’t exist there.

The dictionary definition is this; the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally So vulnerability is when you are exposed to being hurt, often emotionally, but also physically. When you are expressing your true opinions about something you are being vulnerable. When you create something new and share it with the world you are being vulnerable.

When you share pictures of your bad days, and not just your legs on the beach while on vacation, you are being vulnerable. When you tell people you are hurting inside, and want help and support, you are being vulnerable.

Vulnerability to me is almost like exposing your shame; not letting shame keep you from connecting with others, and not letting shame keep you from being yourself, from following your path. It’s accepting shame, and knowing it’s part of us.

Here’s a very common example of how being vulnerable can help us connect on a deeper level with people.

You might love someone, for example, and in doing so expose yourself emotionally. You tell them everything, spend all your time with them, base your life’s plan around them. But you can never be certain that they’ll reciprocate, that they’ll do the same, so you risk being rejected.

They might even cheat on you. You give them all your love but then they secretly have a relationship with someone else, totally stabbing you in the back! Betraying you. Like any other feeling, love involves vulnerability.

But accepting vulnerability requires something that most beneficial things do. It requires courage! The courage to express your emotions, to accept and feel your emotions. You have to be courageous enough to let other people know you aren’t perfect.

And speaking of perfection; perfectionism is a defense mechanism against shame. We strive for perfection to shield ourselves from the possibility of failure. We think if we do things perfectly, for example, speaking English perfectly without ANY mistakes, then we will never feel ashamed, embarrassed, uncomfortable. Well, good luck with that! Good luck with trying to avoid all uncomfortable emotions by working so hard to be perfect, perfect in everything! I say that sarcastically, of course.

Let me ask you about perfectionism, and courage actually. Think of a time in the past when you watched someone being courageous. Maybe someone gave a speech or presentation that really affected you, that inspired you. Think of that real quick….

Now during this speech was this person hiding all their emotions, only showing the best of themselves, or were they being honest and open.

Were they somewhat uncomfortable and nervous, yet they were able to express their true emotions? Even emotions that many people might try to hide?

From my experience, the people that have inspired me the most have done so through being able to come from a place of courage. They know they aren’t close to being perfect, and chose instead to connect with their audience through being open and honest. Through showing their imperfections and expressing their emotions.

They were courageous enough to be vulnerable. A lot of TedTalks come to mind, yes?

What I’m really talking about here is connection. We all want love and connection in our lives. And what we must fully understand is that such positive feelings are rooted in our vulnerability. If we can accept this fact, and embrace our vulnerability, we can use it to our benefit in both our private and professional lives.

Embracing vulnerability allows us to both experience our emotions authentically and be empathetic, enabling us to connect with others.

Just as you’d appreciate others being open and honest with you, your vulnerability and willingness to share your feelings and thoughts will be received positively.

In terms of professional development, it’s only by taking risks and daring to expose our work and ideas to criticism that we can improve ourselves. If you practice only what you know you’re good at, you of course avoid the risk of failure, but you also miss out on a potential new experience.

And in terms of your English development? Well, I really can’t think of a more clear example of shame and vulnerability than when learning a foreign language. Especially as an adult.

If you base your self worth on how well you speak English, well, you are often going to feel like a loser. You’ll feel tons of shame. I’ve been there.

I’ve been laughed at for making mistakes in a foreign language. I’ve shaken with fear when giving a presentation in a foreign language. I’ve avoided situations so I wouldn’t have to experience the shame that would come with feeling inferior because I don’t speak that language well.

But now I know, and this is what I preach, what I do with Feel Good English, is that finding the confidence and the courage to speak English without being perfect is the answer to your English development. It’s what makes the difference between you not improving and you improving. I love to see the English learners that just throw themselves out there. That don’t care too much about mistakes, and rather focus on connecting. These are the types that usually progress a lot faster “Resisting Personal Growth” Episode #108 14

too. They don’t let fear control their actions, control their English speaking.

But don’t think that fear doesn’t exist for these types of learners. I’m sure it has, or even still does. They just decide that fear will get in the way of what they want. So they push through the fear. The shame.

And if you, listening to this right now, find yourself at times crippled by your fear of speaking English, especially at work or when speaking to native speakers, remind yourself of when you were inspired by others, when you saw people being vulnerable, accepting their shame of not being perfect, and expressing themselves and their emotions fully because they wanted to connect with others more than anything.

Maybe they wanted more than anything to help others, and didn’t let shame get in the way. Or maybe they needed help, and let themselves be vulnerable by asking for help.

Before moving on, is there anywhere in your life where you should be asking someone for help? Even though you might be embarrassed by this situation, do you know that if someone else gave you a hand it’d make things easier for you? Who should you ask help from, and about what? Say this now to yourself, in your head, or out loud, if you can do that without freaking anyone out. …….

So I am going to leave you with this. This is a part of a TedTalk by Brene Brown, the most known researcher on shame and vulnerability. She’s fascinating. She has spent her life researching these two words, shame and vulnerability, in order to help our society get over all the problems that shame can cause. She writes books on this stuff.

So listen to her here…

And so I’ll leave you with this thought. If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it’s seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I’m going to go in there and kick some ass when I’m bulletproof and when I’m perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that’s not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you.

And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.

So there you have it. I want you to know that what I talked about today is really deep. It goes to the heart of why we often feel lonely, inferior, ashamed. But always remember that taking small steps is all it takes.

We don’t have to change ourselves, or the world in a day. We can’t actually.

To live a shame-free life, we must learn to love ourselves unconditionally and to rely on our inherent worthiness when interacting with friends, family and colleagues. In doing so, we dare to be vulnerable because failure and rejection cannot diminish our sense of worthiness. By embracing our vulnerability, by putting ourselves out there and being engaged, we can establish deeper relationships with others and change our private and work lives for the better.

Thanks for listening. I hope you will take what you’ve heard here and do something with it. At least take the English that is unfamiliar to you here and go out and practice with it. Now that you know you should be 100% open and vulnerable when speaking English go out into the streets and start yelling these new words and expressions from today at everyone “Resisting Personal Growth” Episode #108 17

you see. Go stand on a car in the middle of the night and and scream out all the new phrasal verbs you learned here! Be vulnerable!!

I’m kidding of course. That’s not vulnerable. That’s insane.

But, don’t just go on with your life without applying at least one thing from today’s lesson.

By the way, if you really want to learn all the advanced vocabulary, expressions, phrasal verbs and slang from this episode I provide lessons on all of them for Premium members on my website, www.Feelgoodenlgish.com For just the price of a hamburger, or a cheap bottle of wine, or 100 pencils, you can join the Premium Membership and get two new lessons each month. Full transcripts, definitions, exercises. All to help you learn this stuff more deeply, and become a more confident English speaker, and person. Go check it out at feelgoodenglish.com/go

Until next time, be courageous, and vulnerable, and give your shame a nice big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Talk to you soon, bye bye!