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Accountability Commentary

Hello my special VIP member, and welcome to the audio commentary. Of course, this is where I talk more about the topic this month. Our topic is accountability, being totally 100% accountable, responsible for your own life, for your life situation.

Let me be clear about this first, because I know some people will say AJ that’s not fair. I didn’t choose my life situation. I was born into a poor family, or I was born into a country where people aren’t very free. My mom and dad beat me and all kinds of terrible stuff.

Of course, I recognize that. Of course, we all have tough situations in our life that happen to us. An easy example, the current world economy is happening to us. None of us individually chose that. Of course, I recognize that, but if you focus on those external things, those external situations that just happen in life, they always do and they always will, you dis-empower yourself. You take away the power and the incredible power that you have.

Your power comes from your choices; how you choose to respond to those external situations. We have so many different responses that we can choose. I used to be a social worker, and as a social worker I worked with some teenagers who were really having a hard time.

Many of these youth, these children, had been beaten by their parents, their mom or dad, usually the dad. Some had been sexually molested by their father or an uncle or someone in the family. Terrible, terrible, terrible situations; but what determined their life and the quality of their life was how they chose to respond to those terrible situations.

When those terrible things happen some people will blame themselves. Somehow they deserved it or they did something to deserve it. It’s crazy, but that’s a reaction that some children will have, a lot of children, in fact.

If they believe that and continue to believe it, their whole life can become horrible and miserable and unhappy. Many times they will turn to strong terrible drugs like heroin or something just to avoid that terrible thought and feeling.

However; other people choose to respond and think about it differently. Other people decide it wasn’t me, I didn’t deserve it. I was just a child, I’m just a kid. They should never have done that. This is a terrible thing in my life, but I’m going to use it to grow stronger. I’m going to help other children and other people who have had terrible things happen in their life.

I actually saw this a few times with a few very special kids, and they chose to try to help other kids that had also had these terrible experiences. They didn’t focus on blaming themselves, instead they decided to use this terrible situation to somehow grow stronger and help other people in pain.

Of course, there are many other ways that people could choose to think about and respond to that kind of truly terrible situation, the ones who are accountable – not accountable for what happened, they don’t say oh it was my fault, that’s not being accountable, that’s self pity and blame.

What they say is I’m responsible 100% for how I react now, for what I do now, for how I respond to this terrible situation. Some of them for example would just go and they told a teacher or they told a counselor and they got help and they got out of that family situation.

They decided this is happening to me, I don’t want it to, but I can make a choice. I’m still accountable for my choices and how I respond. I can choose to take it and be silent, I can choose to blame myself, or I can decide that this is a terrible thing and I can choose to get help.

Do you see how that works? It’s not that you decide it’s your fault for all the bad stuff that happens, of course, not it’s just that when bad things happen you have to still decide that you’re 100% accountable for the choices, for how you react, for how you respond, for how you adapt to that tough, difficult situation. That’s what accountability means.

It’s not easy. I’ll give you a less serious example from my own life where I have not been accountable, and that is with dating. I know some of you may know that I got divorced last year, (inaudible) and I are still great friends and I love her and I always will, but after getting divorced wow, I felt really stressed.

All of you know me as this truly energetic, super confident, sometimes crazy guy, really confident with my business, I’m really confident as a teacher. I have no problem standing up in front of 200 people or 500 people or 10,000 people and talking and teaching for two hours, three hours, six hours, eight hours – it doesn’t matter.

Not only do I have no problem, I enjoy it. I love it. I am super confident; but in a dating situation I’m totally different. Suddenly, I become shy and nervous. It’s happened my entire life and is the problem.

Going back to when I was high school I was a geeky nerdy guy. I was really, really smart, but socially not so great. I’ve changed so much since then, yet some of those beliefs and habits and ideas were still in my brain.

When I got into situations with women or girls, those old beliefs would come back. I would start to blame, blame, blame. Oh the girls here, they’re just not friendly. They’re kind of cold, they’re too tough.

I would blame myself; oh there’s something wrong with me, women just aren’t attracted to me. I don’t know what the problem is. I would blame myself, blame, blame, blame.

That’s not being accountable for it.

It’s true some things happened during my time as a student in high school in that age, that young age when we’re all so awkward and insecure. It’s true that I was awkward and insecure then, but finally what I’ve decided is I have to be accountable.

I realized something; I realized it’s a choice. This is a choice. I thought; most people are terrified about the idea of standing up in front of 200 people and giving a speech. When you read about research studies, public speaking is like the number one most scary, fearful thing for most people. They’re just really terrified about it, and for me it’s easy. It’s simple, I love it, I feel totally confident. I’m never scared about it.

I realized something; I thought this is crazy. How can it be that I’m totally confident in a situation that scares most people, and I’m this super confident, super energetic guy when I’m up speaking to people onstage or with my business, and then I get in a different situation and suddenly I’m kind of nervous and shy?

I realized it’s just a choice, just a habit that I’m choosing. I could choose to be the same in a dating situation. I could choose to be super energetic and confident. It’s part of me, a real part of me; it’s who I am. I could choose to do that, all I have to do is learn how to use that same part of my personality in a different situation.

Now I’m feeling much stronger about that idea. Do you see how this works? It works in everything. In the video I gave the example from my life of work and jobs and business.

For so many years, for over 20 years, two decades; I didn’t take responsibility for my own freedom and financial success. I depended on jobs and complained and blamed, and everything totally changed when I just became accountable.

This is true in every single area of your life. It’s true in your relationships. If you have a relationship that’s not good, or maybe a breakup or a divorce or something in the past, you can blame the other person – that’s what so many other people do, right?

It’s their fault. She wasn’t friendly, she didn’t make me happy, she was selfish, she was a bitch, or he. He was such a jerk, he was a dog – a dog means a guy who cheats – and some of those things may have been true, but you chose to stay with that person.

You chose to date them and be with them.

You don’t learn anything, you don’t grow, you don’t develop happy wonderful relationships by blaming the other person. This is another area in life that is really, really hard to be accountable for.

So often, especially in romantic dating and marriage situations we want to blame that other person; it’s them. It’s not. It’s not them, it’s you. It’s me. I’ve realized this in my own life.

I look at this painful divorce, and it’s very painful for me still – I don’t blame her. I look at myself and I can see that in many, many areas and ways I made bad choices. I didn’t communicate the way I should have, I didn’t give her the attention and presence that I should have many, many things.

Here’s the great thing about accountability. By deciding that, by realizing that I was responsible – it was me, 100% - she’s responsible for her part, I’ll let her think about that or not, but I’m responsible. I’m going to look at what I did, how I’m accountable.

If I do that, then I can learn something. I look at myself and I learn where my beliefs were not very good and how that caused problems. I can see the actions I took that weren’t very great and how that caused problems.

By learning those things, even though they’re painful to think about – and they are very painful to think about – but by being honest about it, being accountable and learning, then I have the power to change.

I can say okay I did do those things, next time I won’t. Next time I can do something different, I can try something different, or I can see I had these terrible beliefs, these beliefs that were making me weak or beliefs that didn’t help the relationship. I can change those beliefs and get new ones that are more powerful, more loving, more supportive and more helpful, so that my next relationships can be great.

Not just with someone I’m dating but even with my friends, my family – it can improve and help and enhance my whole life. This is the power of being totally accountable. It’s painful, that’s why people avoid it, and yet it is the secret door to amazing happiness and power and success and true leadership.

This is the reason true leaders are rare, because it’s painful to go through that door. It’s painful to look at the failures, the things that weren’t successful and the results you don’t like. It’s painful to look at those and say well, that was my responsibility, I made some bad choices. I had some bad beliefs, I took some actions I shouldn’t have done that didn’t work – it was me.

It feels bad when you first do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a job or financial or family, it doesn’t matter what the area is it feels painful. It was painful for me when I started teaching and the students were not improving in my first few years.

I could’ve just continued like other teachers. Most other teachers blame the students – oh it’s the students, they’re lazy. Oh those students, they’re just not learning. Sometimes they’ll blame the school – oh it’s the school with all these stupid rules. They’ll say oh, adults can’t learn English well. They make excuses, they blame, and because of that they never become better teachers.

I had to do something painful. I had to take total accountability and say it’s me, I’m a bad teacher. I suck. That’s what I had to admit to myself. It’s not the students, they’re really actually quite energetic and they’re really trying hard; it’s me. I’m not a good teacher right now.

That was the beginning of my success and power, by just admitting that and saying it’s me, and then not crying about it and saying I’m a bad guy, instead saying it’s me but I can choose something different. I can decide to learn and try different things, and eventually I will find a better way.

That’s what I did. I took 100% responsibility, it’s up to me. It’s my job to become a great teacher. I have to learn more, I have to try different things, I have to go search for better methods. I’m going to do that if it takes me 10 months or 10 years, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to quit, and I will become a great teacher. That’s how I did it.

Again I look back, and it all started with being responsible and accountable, saying it’s me. It’s not the school’s problem – I don’t have to follow their rules. It’s not the students, they’re actually really great. Nope, it’s not the textbooks because I don’t have to use the textbooks if I don’t want to – it’s my choice.

Yes the textbooks suck, yes the school sucked, but I didn’t have to use them. I didn’t have to follow the rules, it’s my choice.

When I started making different choices that’s when everything changed and gave me the life, again, that I have today. You can see how this is tough.

It’s really hard, but that’s okay, it’s also the thing that will give you everything you want in life. It’s worth a little pain. It’s worth the pain of admitting – I haven’t been doing what I should be doing, or I don’t know what I need to know so I need to go out and learn it, or I’m afraid.

Sometimes you have to admit you’re afraid. Before I started my business I made all these excuses and blamed and blamed, but finally one day I just said to myself you know what? I’m just afraid. I’m just afraid to start my own business because I’m afraid that I’ll fail totally and completely.

I’m afraid my family will laugh at me and I’ll be embarrassed. When I admitted that I decided it’s my fault, it’s my responsibility. I’m afraid and it’s fear that’s stopping me.

Then I could say okay then, so I need to do something about this fear.

I started working on my psychology and working on that emotion more and thinking about it, and then I changed that fear. It didn’t go away completely, it was still there somewhat, but I changed it enough that I could take action.

Once I took action I started getting success, and the fear finally disappeared. Do you see how this works?

I’ll give you the same challenge I did in the video; find the most terrible thing in your life, the thing that you’re really not happy about, you’re really, really unhappy about it. It might be a past girlfriend or boyfriend, they broke up with you and you still feel terrible about it and you’ve been blaming them so many years.

It could be your job; you hate your job and you’re miserable and you have been for a long time, yet you’re still there. Maybe you lost your job or maybe you failed the final exam on English and you’re just not improving the way you want to.

Maybe you’re fat and unhealthy, and you’ve been making all kinds of excuses about it, but you just need to be responsible and realize you’re the one choosing what you eat, and you’re the one choosing how much you move your body and how you do it.

Find that area in your life that is most difficult, most painful; you’re most unhappy about it. Sit down quietly, alone, and decide that you are 100% responsible for the situation now.

Maybe you didn’t cause it in the beginning, but right now you’re 100% responsible for either staying in a situation or changing it, nobody else. Write down all the beliefs that have caused this situation to continue, and all the actions you have taken in the past and continue to take that are causing this situation to continue.

For example, if you’re in a job you hate, you probably have some kind of belief about I can’t leave because I won’t be able to find another job, it’s a good job, or what will people think – whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, you need to be responsible for that. It’s you.

That’s the tough assignment. Write down all the ways you’re accountable. If you want a positive part of that assignment, you could do step two. In step two what you’ll do is you’ll write down all the things you could do differently if you wanted to. You don’t have to, just write down all the things you could do.

You could go out and read books on this subject and learn more. You could find another person who is successful or has the life you want, and get help from them or ask for advice from them.

You could change the beliefs that are causing problems. You could take different actions, small or big. There’s a lot you could do, you could write that down too.

If you’re really brave – I know most of you probably won’t do this, but if you really are serious you could go to our VIP site and you could share all of this. You could be really open and honest with all the other VIP members about what you have not been accountable for and what you now will be accountable for.

It’s not actually fun for me to share some of these things with you about my past relationships or business or whatever. It’s painful still to think about it, and then to just share it with all of you, that’s even harder, and yet it’s even stronger.

When you share it with other people it’s even more accountable. You’re saying I’m not going to be ashamed of this, I’m not going to be secretive about it – I’m just going to be totally open. This is the problem, and this is how I have been responsible for it, and this is what I could do differently if I chose to.

Do that, it’s really powerful. That’s my big challenge for you, to go through the whole exercise and then get on our VIP site and share it.

You know that our other members are wonderful people. They’re going to encourage you and support you, so take that strong step and share it.

Alright, I hope you have a great powerful month. This thing will completely change your life, even it seems a little painful; do it.

I’ll see you next time. Have a great day and a great month. Bye-bye.