چگونه صادقانه با اهداف انگلیسی و زندگی تان راحت باشید

This is an All Ears English Podcast, Episode 219: “How to Truly Be Free with Your English Goals and Your Life.”

Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, where you’ll finally get real, native English conversation with your hosts, Lindsay McMahon, the ‘English Adventurer’ and Gabby Wallace, the ‘Language Angel’, from Boston, USA.

Today we are back with our temporary co-host, Kristy, the ‘Fearless New Yorker’. Let’s get to the show.

Guys, in today’s episode, I’m gonna (going to) tell you what I’m afraid of. You’re gonna (going to) hear from Kristy, a three-time, self-made American entrepreneur about how she walks the balance beams in life between fear and risk and what that means for you as an English learner.

Are you on our email list yet? Join more than 5,000 other All Ears English listeners and make sure you don’t miss any of our amazing All Ears English episodes.

Get on our list now and we’ll send you a weekly summary of the most exciting and interesting All Ears English moments every week. These episodes are HOT, so go to AllEarsEnglish.com/HOT. That’s AllEarsEnglish.com/H-O-T.

Kristy!

Hey, Lindsay. How’s it going?

It’s going pretty well. Not bad because today, I wanna (want to) cut straight to the point and I wanna (want to) talk about something, (you know), pretty open, pretty authentic and, and pretty real for us as people, right…

…because we’re all just people. I wanna (want to) talk about fear.

Ooh.

I love talking about fear.

I know, demons, fear. Oh, god, what – Kristy, what are you afraid of?

(Um), it’s funny because people say I’m fearless, or I don’t know. (I mean), I’m not afraid, or I’m, (um), but I’m afraid of a lot of things. There’s days where I’m so afraid, I don’t wanna (want to) get out of bed.

I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of. (Um), but it’s (um) – fear, understating the fear is one of my passions, (um), because I deal with it so much every day and pretty much every moment, (um), except maybe the few, few moments, where I’m like, “Oh, maybe everything is okay.”

Yeah, you really do because like I said in these past few episodes, you take a lot of risks in your life. You’re always kind of on the edge, you’re always pushing that, (right), taking that.

So you put yourself in situations constantly where you’re afraid. So you’re a great person to talk to today because I think our listeners here can learn a lot from you because learning a language, like that is what you guys are doing. You’re out there, and when you take that chance, you start that conversation with a native speaker, you’re walking that edge, right.

They could look at you like, “You’re crazy,” or laugh at you and walk away, but you’re doing what Kristy’s doing every day is kind of walking the balance beam.

Right?

Yeah.

I like it. So what exactly are you afraid of Kristy, specifically? (Like), if you had to nail it down to a few things, (like), what is that fear about?

I think that – and a lot of people might – I’ve, I’ve, I’ve really, really thought about this. I’ve meditated it on it for days. (Um), I’ve meditated for hours and, (um), I’m (a-), I’m afraid of the very general things of not doing well, (uh), maybe not succeeding, not having enough money, (um), and not being loved.

(Um), I, I think in the essence, I’m afraid of not of – I guess not (be-), not mattering. Not mattering in the world, and I’ve asked myself this (kind of) (um), psychological, (uh), experiment.

Now, if I was stuck in this (like) small room and it was enclosed and there was nobody in the room except me and it was, it was lonely, (right), (you know) you’re completely trapped. And…

Right.

…it almost feels like there’s a claustrophobic-ness of, to it. Now, and I said that, that would suck. I would be the most (de-), I would rather die. (Um), and then I asked myself, ‘But, (you now), what if I had a phone’, and on the phone I could text message my sister…’

Okay.

…and we were text messaging, (um), and she’s like, “Kristy, everything’s okay. We’re gonna (going to) get you out (um)…

…we’re gonna (you know), we’re right, I’m right outside. (You know), you’re there and she’s responsive.

And said all of a sudden I wouldn’t feel so bad. The, the physical reality of what, where I was isn’t different, but the mental reality is, is different which creates a different emotional sense, which is that I’m not alone. I matter to somebody out there and my existence matters, (um), and I’m loved.

Yeah.

So I think that a lot of things that we are worried about is that we don’t have, is we don’t feel cared for, (um), and we feel alone.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I, (you know), I like to read a lot about this stuff. And, I don’t know, Kristy, do you like read anything by Seth Godin?

I do. I’ve read some of his stuff. I haven’t done any in depth of one of his books, but tell me.

Yeah, So we can recommend to our, our listeners here. (Uh), Seth Godin, right, (uh), has written some great books on entrepreneurship business. He’s a thought leader in the field of business and marketing. But he talks a lot about the lizard brain, (right), like the amygdala, that part of our brain that’s still stuck in the, in the caveman days.

And, and the, the goal of that part of our brain is just to protect us, so it’s trying to help, but I think we have an option of what to focus on, right. So you guys, when you’re out there learning languages, (you know), you can see that one situation in a number of ways, (right).

You could see it as a scary thing, or you could focus on, (you know), what’s actually good, (you know). I’ll just say what some of my fears are.

(You know), I’m afraid of putting myself out there as you said Kristy, which is risking things, right, putting yourself in a very public position, like on this podcast and then making a mistake, right.

I’m afraid of looking silly, to be totally honest.

(You know), I have those fears too. You guys have those fears. We all have them. And, but I’m still showing up for you guys every day because I care about you guys as listeners, our community.

(Like) the vision is bigger than my fear.

right), so I’m actually trying to sacrifice my own fear or put my own fear aside to serve our community here and to connect with you Kristy to provide some awesome content and to inspire our listeners. (Um), and I’m also afraid of ending up on the street without any money.

I think, (you know), it’s so funny, you talk to like seven out of ten people and they’ll tell you that they have this fear. They imagine themselves, (like), living under a bridge in some city without shoes and, and it’s scary. Do you notice that? Everyone has that fear.

Yeah, everyone has that. There’s a big fear of money.

Yeah, of not having enough money. It’s so interesting. So Kristy, what are some actionable (kind of) solutions, like some good ways, some good takeaways for our listeners for today ‘cause (because), (you know), our listeners are dealing with fear of language learning and maybe in life too. But it doesn’t have to be all about the fear, so what do you do?

So, I’m gonna (going to) say something almost contradictory to what we’re all about, which is language. (Um), I, so I think there’s gonna (going to) be a moment, (um), where we need to get out of our talking and we need to get in our body. (Um), and let go of the thoughts that we have. (Um), I think lots of times when we look at any thought we have, most of the time, there’s some type of fear behind it to get to a goal because somehow we think we’ll be safer…

Yeah.

…when we get to that goal. (Um).

Yeah.

…(um), and the thing is there’s a lot of things we’re assuming and assuming it’s accurate like the goal that we need to get to is accurate. We’re assuming that what we need to do to get there is, is, (uh), true, when all of that could be “Oh, my god. I could be set on getting to the store to get a dress because I need to look great for this party.”

Ah.

But all of that is like do I need to look great for the party, do I need to get to the store and do I need to get there by rushing. Those are…

Okay.

…all the things, those are brought about by thoughts. And there’s a certain point – this is just what I’ve learned and I know we both have talked about meditation before – is sometimes you just have to let go of that thought and get back into your body and the vibrations in there. (Um)…

I like it. So you’re kinda (kind of) like, you’re going straight to the problem, which is that belief that this has to be perfect. (I mean), one of the things that we talk about with our listeners here, is, (you know), perfection is paralysis, right).

We’re afraid, we think that that presentation or that, (um), that conversation has to be perfect.

So maybe what we can do is we can question that, (right), does it actually have to be perfect.

And then we work backwards and what would that mean for these, the pressure that we’re putting on ourselves in any given situation. And maybe we would feel less fear.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that the question, the perfection in it – in fact, goes farther. (Like) to truly be free is to question everything and to let go. (Um), I know that we talk about goals and everything, (uh), and that’s important and people will be like, “Wow, Kristy, so you really believe you should let go of everything,” and in essence there’s nothing when you’re so ambitious.

And I say, “Yeah, (um), (I mean), all of the goals really just help me focus on the now and that’s why I have them.” (Uh), but in essence, we, we have to get out of our head, (um), and into our, our body, (uh), and tha’s the, that’s the only way to truly be fear, free from fear.

And fearless. Yeah, fearless and free. I think, (you know), Kristy, I think you’re a good example of someone who’s – I think that’s the key, that might be one of the keys to your success.

I’m sorry if I’m, (you know), saying too much here, but I feel like you really have goals, but at the same time you understand that the goals are not the most important thing.

Yeah.

Is that, is that true?

Yeah, and there’s some that not all the time I get freaked out. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t get freaked out. (Um), but it’s, it, (you know), it’s (bo-), it’s (uh), it helps me find more balance. (Um), (um), I, I know that’s where I want to be ultimately. I, I know that letting go is the ultimate priority because that’s a…

Yeah.

…that means I’ carrying for myself. (Uh)…

Right.

…but, (um), then, (you know), that other side helps me kind of find interest, find life interesting, (um)…

So, I, and I, if I could say – so the second thing about, (you know), (f-), (uh) fear – ‘cause (because) I just realized this, (like), the other day. So I’m really excited about it.

Okay, what did you realize? What’s that?

Real excited. (Um), so – oh, do we need to – should we hear from our sponsors?

not today.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Good question.

‘Cause (because) I was like wait a minute. ‘Cause (because) that’s important. (Um), so, I was reading this book. I highly, highly recommend it. It’s called, (uh), Crucial Conversations, How to Have…

Okay.

…Crucial Conversations. I don’t know who…

Ooh.

And (uh), (uh)…

We’ll put that in the show notes. Thank you Kristy. We’ll do a link if you guys wanna (want to) come out, back to this episode. (Um), this is Episode 219. AllEarsEnglish.com/219, we’ll put a link in the show notes for that book. Go ahead Kristy.

Yeah, and actually the interesting thing is they have great, (uh), phrases to use, so actual English phrases you can us to approach, (uh), a difficult situation in a way that will lead to the best results for both of you and the other person.

So it’s How to Have Crucial Conversations, (um), and the essence of it isn’t the phrases, it’s the ideas that can, I think, translate to all cultures and all languages of, of what we need to, to have in a conversation despite the language.

And that’s the first thing is that when you talk to someone, you have to create safety for them. (Um)…

Yeah.

…you have to (like) let them feel safe and even though, you’re going to say something like, “You know this is my roommate.” And I’m like, “Hey, you know the top shelf, (um), I think we decided the top shelf, (you know),

(ma-), maybe would be my stuff and if we could do that because I was getting a little confusing and in, you may love your roommate, you just kind of what to keep the top shelf and (um), they may take it in a different way like “Oh, they don’t like me and everything.”

So, (um) they use the word, they use a technique called ‘contrasting’. So you say what you want, and (uh), what, what you want and what you don’t want. So you can say, “(You know), I, I don’t want you to think that I don’t like being your roommate because I really do.

I love seeing you whenever I come back and we have such a great rapport. All I wanna (want to) do is try to figure out how we can (uh), (uh), space out the shelving so that my stuff doesn’t get confused with yours.”

And all of a sudden the person knows that it’s not about anything bigger.

Yeah. So, then, then that doesn’t trigger the fear right.

So it’s really – going back to the fear sense, (um), that’s a way, as you said, like creating safety. And, (you know), I think that’s a great point. I wanna (want to) check out that book and I, I encourage you guys to check it out too, (you know).

It’s, it’s all about creating a safe space and if it’s just you, if you’re alone and you’re about to take a chance like going and speaking with a Native speaker, you can create that safety in your mind, right Kristy?

Exactly. That’s exactly what I was gonna (going to) say. It’s just that – yeah, you can – I-I’ve, I was doing that because I’m going through something that I find very stressful.

So I said, well besides creating safety with another person I need to say to myself, ‘Okay, Kristy, this one thing happened, but this does not mean that everything is bad or, I’ve, I’ve done everything wrong.’ (Um), it just means that one things needs to be adjusted.

Yeah.

And, and so I’m trying to keep more safety with my conversations to myself.

Exactly. You can tell yourself no one’s gonna (going to) die here.

(You know), we’re all gonna (going to) make it through. And, (you know), further down the line, it’s just gonna (going to) look like a, a funny little thing that happened and everything’s okay.

So this has been great Kristy. (You know), I, I think that fear is so important to address for our listeners because they’re out there risking it every day.

And, (you know), we admire you because you’ve done some awesome things. Thank you for sharing these ideas with us today.

Yeah, you’re welcome. If I could just add one last thing. So…

Yeah.

…i-if someone is, (uh), speaking to somebody and they make a mistake, let’s say they use some word. And, (um), I’m gonna (going to) say a really funny story. I used to think, (um), baby’s breath, which is, (um), the, this (like) flour, white flour in a… Right, right.

…I used to think it was baby’s breast. I really…

What did you think was baby’s breath? What do you mean?

I thought it was called…

I’m confused.

…baby’s breast, like breasts.

Okay.

Okay, I’m an English – (I mean), granted I was in high school, but I was old enough. I was like, “Yeah, we’ll get some baby breasts.

Oh, I see. So you made a mistake in English is what you’re saying.

Yeah, I made a mistake and I’m like, “Hey,” and everyone looked at me and I was like, “What?” And, so, (you know), in that moment, we – I think I’m probably saying to myself, “Oh my god. I’m so embarrassed. I’m so not that bright. I’m English and (inaudible) this and this.”

But you’re a native speaker, Kristy, but look at that mistake you made anyhow.

I know. And there’s all this time. I mean 17 years or something. So I could’ve said, I just need to have a compassionate conversation with myself and say, ‘Kristy, you know this, (you know), that mistake, y-you’re smart, you’ve done fine in school, or (you know), y-y-you’ll always find, it’s just this one, one, this one word, you just got it wrong, it’s okay, (you know).

And you were just a kid too. And I still make silly mistakes in English too. (I mean), in the end it’s not about (like) the mistake. It’s about the way you talk to yourself after you make the mistake.

Yeah.

I think that’s it, Kristy. I think we’ve…

Exactly.

…figured it out here. Awesome. Awesome. Well, thank you for your time Kristy…

Thanks for having me.

..and your inspiration. We really appreciate it.

You’re welcome. Thank’s Lindsay.

Great. Have a good day.

You too.

Take care.

Bye.

Bye.

If you wanna (want to) put your ears into English more often, be sure to subscribe to our podcast in iTunes on your computer or on your smartphone. Thanks so much for listening and see you next time.