درسنامه اصلی

Weddings – Coaching Lesson

Hi, I’m AJ. Welcome to this month’s coaching lesson. A long time ago, just after I graduated from university with my first undergraduate degree, I was dating my very first serious long-term girlfriend. Her name was Jessica. And, as you can imagine, first love…she was the love of my life. And Jessica and I were at that point living together and we both graduated from university.

And as you may remember, maybe for you, I don’t know…but for me, graduating from university was a very tough time for me, in my life. It was a big transition. Maybe it was for you as well, I don’t know if you went to university. If not, then graduating from high school can be a big transition for many people. For me, it was graduating from university from undergraduate studies that really was a huge change because at that point, really, I became fully responsible for my own life.

I became fully an adult, as did Jessica, my girlfriend at the time, my very first girlfriend. And it was a time in my life when I started thinking, “What do I want to do with my life?” And I had no idea. Honestly, I did not know what I wanted to do. I had a degree in journalism but by the time I graduated I had already decided I did not want to be a journalist. So I had a journalism degree but didn’t want to be a journalist. What to do? What to do?

I didn’t know. Consciously in my mind I had no idea what to do with my life. What I did have, kind of deep inside that I couldn’t really understand…something I didn’t understand, a feeling I didn’t understand at that time. But it was this…it was a restlessness, restlessness. Restlessness is that feeling of just wanting to move, wanting to go and do something different but not really knowing what or where. I felt this incredible restless energy inside of me.

Jessica, on the other hand, my girlfriend, she had a clear idea of what she wanted to do. She wanted to get married. She wanted to have a nice, big house in the countryside, kind of like a farmhouse in the countryside, with land. And to have some animals on the land and then, y’know, maybe eventually kids as well. So she had a clear idea and what she really wanted, she wanted this kind of stable, very nice life in the country.

Now I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. And I knew I did not want that. I did not want stable. I did not want a life in the country. I did not want a family at that time. I did not want a house, none of that. As I said, I was restless. I was this restless young guy and I felt, y’know, my life had been very predictable up until that point, which is a good thing. I had a very nice childhood, in fact. My parents did a good job and they gave me a very stable, safe, positive childhood, which is great.

But the only thing about it was that I was bored. Y’know, I was this young guy and I felt bored and restless. I just wanted to go see the world. I felt like my life was just starting and the last thing I wanted was to get married and get a house and kids and animals in the countryside. And so, what to do? Well, I’ll be honest with you. What I did is I stayed with Jessica. But as I stayed with her, I felt trapped. I felt trapped.

Y’know, I followed along with her idea. I stayed there in our hometown, our university town. I couldn’t find any decent jobs. I got this job as a security guard at night at this home for older people, for retired people. Which, it barely paid any money so I was so broke, so poor. I could barely pay my rent and pay for food. And the schedule was terrible. I had to be awake all night long and sleep in the day. I was pretty miserable.

And I was…I felt this incredible desire to go see the world and have experiences, y’know? Just to experience different new things. I didn’t even know what. But instead, I stayed there and went along with her idea. But inside I felt trapped. Why did I stay? I’ll be honest with you, it was fear. I was afraid I would be alone. Of course, I loved her and she was the love of my life.

And being young and foolish, I thought, “Oh, this is the only person I’ll ever love and who will ever love me and if I…if I broke up with her or left her then I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and so sad.” Y’know, this is the crazy stuff that goes through your mind when you’re young and in love. You might remember. Easy to see it now and laugh, but at the time it wasn’t funny and I couldn’t see that. And so I stayed because of fear and just clinging and holding onto her. To cling is to hold on tightly to someone.

I was clinging to Jessica because I was…I was insecure, honestly. I wasn’t confident in myself. But as I held on to her out of fear, I was not happy, right? Because I wasn’t living my own dream. I wasn’t following what was deep inside me that desired to go out and experience the world, see new things, try new things, all of that. And it made me more and more miserable which made me really a horrible boyfriend and pretty much a terrible person to be around because I became more and more and more negative and almost crazy in some ways because I had this conflict inside of me.

So what happened? Well, I can say happily now that Jessica broke up with me. She left me. Now, at the time…I’m smiling now, but at the time I was devastated. Devastated means destroyed. I was…it was the biggest trauma, the biggest pain I’d ever experienced in my whole life. As I said, I had a wonderful childhood with a very stable, loving childhood, great parents. So I’d never experienced that kind of pain before, someone leaving me…oh my god. I cried and I was so miserable for months and months.

I was miserable and I tried to get her back. And, of course, now I laugh and I think, thank god, thank god she broke up with me. Thank god she was strong enough to see clearly that we were not compatible, that we wanted totally different things, that we were going to make each other completely miserable. We were already making each other miserable. She broke up and she went her way and after I recovered, after many months of crying and feeling lonely and miserable, after many months I finally recovered and then I was free.

I was free to finally go live the life that I was meant to live. And, y’know, from there I went on to travel the world and to explore and to live in different countries and to see lots of different places and I had all kinds of incredible experiences and I went back to school and got two master’s degrees eventually and just had all these incredible experiences in life, thank god, and lived the life of my dreams. Lived the life that I wanted to live.

And I followed that restlessness that I had to do as a young man. I had to get it out. I had to get out there and see the world and feel like I was experiencing life. So now, I laugh, and I say thank god Jessica broke up with me. Thank god, because if she hadn’t, think how miserable we might have been together, year after year after year, both of us completely miserable. Me, wanting to be living a different life but not doing it because of fear. And her stuck with some guy who didn’t really want to be there but was staying because of fear…terrible.

So thank god it worked out the way it did. And I will happily, too, she went on and she married a really great guy and she…they bought a nice, beautiful, big house in the countryside and they had a couple of kids. So she got exactly the life she wanted. Worked out well for both of us.

Next story, which brings us to our topic of weddings. At the age of 38, I finally did get married to my wife, my current wife, Tomoe. Tomoe’s Japanese, by the way, that’s a Japanese name, Tomoe. But it was not until the age of 38, I waited until the age of 38. And by the way, any young men out there, I highly recommend to young men, wait, wait, wait to get married. Wait until your late 30s. It’s a smart strategy. Wait until you have lived your life and figured out what you want.

Anyway, may be too late for some of you. But when I got married at 38, what a different experience than what I just described with Jessica. Because with Jessica I felt trapped, like I was in a prison of my own fear. And with Tomoe, I’m married but I feel a sense of adventure and freedom. Because with my wife, I continue to follow my dreams. I continue to live the life of my passions, which at the moment includes Effortless English and Learn Real English, which includes still lots of traveling around the world, which includes writing, lots of different things.

But I feel completely open and free. I feel like my life is an adventure. I’m living the life of my dreams and my passions. And even better, I have this wonderful person who is sharing it with me, my wife. That’s a big contrast, it’s a big difference between my current marriage and that first long-term relationship.

Now, I thought this month, like how will I talk about this topic of weddings. And at first I thought I would talk about something very general and…but I thought, I decided to go deeper this month and to challenge you a little bit. And maybe to talk about some uncomfortable topics. Sometimes we need to look at the tough things. Sometimes we need to look at the uncomfortable things and be very tough and honest with ourselves.

Y’know, I wish as a young man that I could have done that or that I would have done that when I was with Jessica at that time. And I think for most of us in Learn Real English are older and I think we can all remember times in our youth where, y’know, we wish we’d had a little more wisdom and understood how the world works more and understood ourselves more. And I wish that at that time I could have seen more clearly and not been blinded by my own fear.

So this month let’s look clearly and be maybe a little tough with ourselves but with the purpose of moving through to something great, something wonderful, to making our lives incredible and the lives of the people we love incredible. And so the point of these two stories for me is that a long-term relationship, classically that means marriage, nowadays in modern times it might just be living together, whatever you want to call it, a long-term relationship with another person, an intimate loving relationship, whether it’s a marriage or some other arrangement.

Long-term relationships I believe can be, in general, one of two things. Either a prison or an adventure. A prison or an adventure, let’s just be a little tough and honest about it. Y’know, I look back at my life, I can see some of my long-term relationships, my very serious girlfriends, they were prisons. I loved them. They were good people. But they were emotional prisons for me and certainly that was the case with Jessica, at least at the end.

At the end of that relationship with her, the last couple of years, it was a prison for me and it was a prison for her, too. And I think for most of us it’s very easy because of fear, fear of loneliness or just because of habit, for many other reasons, to get stuck in long-term relationships that become prisons. And we have to be honest about it. We have to free ourselves because when you’re in a long-term relationship that becomes a prison, you’re not doing yourself any good and you’re not doing the other person any good.

So you’ve got to heal that situation. It doesn’t mean you have to leave them, but you have to heal the situations so that it’s not a prison. What you want is your long-term relationship, that incredible loving relationship, you want it to be an adventure, an adventure. What’s the difference? How do you know, first of all, if it’s a prison or an adventure?

If it’s a prison, number one, the key thing is in a prison relationship you compromise. In other words, you let go of your dreams and your passions. If you feel that you can’t fully live your dreams and your passions because of this other person, I’m sorry but you’re in a prison. That’s a prison. I mean we have one life to live and you have to follow your dreams and your passions, what’s most important at the deepest level to you, whatever that is.

It might even be a couple of things. But you have to do that and if you’re with someone who you feel is preventing you from doing that, or you prevent yourself from doing that because of them, that’s a prison relationship and that’s not healthy. It’s not good. I’ve been in those so I understand. I know how hard it can be but you have to be honest with yourself if that’s what you’re in. Hopefully, you’re not.

Another sign of being in a prison relationship is you deny your own happiness, that in order to make the other person happy you deny your own happiness. You make yourself unhappy so they can be happy. That’s not a healthy relationship, it’s not. I know we have this idea that we’re taught sometimes that love is sacrifice and, oh, we’re going to sacrifice ourselves for the other person. But now that I’m 48 years old, I know from a lot of life experience that’s not how it really works.

In healthy relationships, in wonderful long-term relationships, you’re both making each other happy. You’re both happy. Your happiness feeds their happiness. Their happiness feeds your happiness. If only…if you have to be unhappy so they can be happy, that is a prison. It’s a bad situation. And it’s also true if they have to be unhappy so that you can be happy, it’s also a prison. It’s a prison for both of you.

And another, I think probably the clearest sign if you’re honest with yourself, that you’re in a prison relationship or that you were in a prison relationship, is that you stay in it because of fear or weakness or a sense of duty or something like that. So in other words, you’re staying from a position of weakness. That’s the root. That’s the deep root of being in an unhealthy long-term relationship. If you’re staying because of some weakness, fear, jealousy, whatever, it’s a bad sign.

Now, the flip side. What are signs of an adventurous, free, incredible, long-term relationship, marriage or whatever. Well, number one, you’re living your dreams. This is the big one. You are living your dreams or at least you’re trying to live your dreams, whatever that is. If you dream of being an entrepreneur,

starting your own business, then you are working on that and you feel supported by this other person that you’re with. If you want to be an artist, then you’re living as an artist, you’re doing art. Maybe you have to still work another normal job but you’re doing your art and, again, you feel that the person you’re with appreciates that and supports. They’re not blocking it any way.

Another sign, I believe, of a great long-term relationship, of a great relationship, an adventurous relationship, is the feeling that your whole life is great and the relationship is just a great part of it. What do I mean by that? What I mean is that the relationship is not 100% of your life. See, again, when I look back at my own life I can see when I’ve been in unhealthy relationships, I focused all my energy on that girl, on that relationship.

It was like…it was the whole center of my whole life. This was the thing that was the most important and I neglected everything else. That’s a sign of fear. That’s a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. It’s a sign of being in prison again. Whereas, now my relationship with my wife, it’s wonderful. It’s great. I love her. I love being with her. But it’s part of this whole great life.

She’s sharing my whole great life. It’s not the only thing in my life that’s good, the only thing that I care about. Now, I still…now I’m focused on Learn Real English and my businesses and writing books and traveling and all these other things. And my relationship with my wife is part of that so it’s this shared part of a whole great life. That…when you have that feeling, that’s a sign you’re in a great relationship.

And finally, I think maybe the biggest, most important sign of all that you’re in a great marriage or long- term relationship is that you still feel free. You don’t feel imprisoned. You don’t feel held back. You don’t feel that you have to deny yourself. You feel free. I feel very free. I feel more free being married with my wife than many other times in my life when I’ve been single because I feel free to be myself completely.

Now, when I was younger I thought that would be impossible. Honestly, when I was younger, I…after the Jessica experience, I decided I’m never getting married. Never, I will never get married. And it was a good decision for a long time. I was not ready to be married. But I had this image in my head that marriage is a prison because that’s what I saw. I saw in most people in my life who are married that they seemed like they were in prison and they didn’t seem that happy.

And it was only by the age of 38 that I figured out and found a relationship that worked in a very different way, where I felt committed, completely committed to this person but also free to completely be myself. That’s the sign that you’re in a great relationship, that your relationship is an adventure, not a prison.

So, what’s your homework for this month? Like I said, I thought hard about this topic this month because I know that some of you are in prison relationships. I know it, because just statistically, there’s going to be at least a few of you out there who are in relationships that are in a prison relationship. And I know you probably don’t want to hear this. So I hesitated to talk about it because I know it’s a painful topic. But I also know that being in a prison relationship can destroy your life and make you miserable, and the other person, too.

And that as hard as it is, you’ve got to look at it and be honest about it and either heal it or leave, whatever you’ve got to do, because it’s your life. And this is such an important part of your life. So the first thing I want you to do is to assess, to assess means to evaluate, I want you to assess your current long-term relationship, or if you’re not currently in one, a recent one from the past.

That could be a marriage, it could be a boyfriend and girlfriend, it could even be a relationship with parents or a very, very close friend, but especially a romantic relationship, husband-wife, boyfriend- girlfriend. So I want you to look at that relationship, either your current one, if you’re in one now then look at your current one. If you’re not in one now, look at the most recent one.

Number two, I want you to be very honest with yourself, and this is going to be the hard part. Decide, are you in a prison or are you in an adventure? And hopefully, you say adventure and it’s an easy answer and fantastic, that’s great. That’s the answer I hope you have because it’s wonderful. But if not, be honest about it. You don’t have to do anything but at least be honest about it and know where you are now.

Step number three for this month, I want you to identify your biggest dreams or passions. What makes you excited in life, excited about life? What have you always wanted to do? What makes you super happy when you do it? So, y’know, it might be one thing, it might be a few things, but write down what are those deep passions or dreams that you have.

Alright, step number four, I want you to be honest again and tell me, and tell yourself really, are you following those dreams? Are you pursuing those passions? Are you living them in some way? Be honest, yes or no. If not, start doing it now, whatever it is. If you’ve always dreamed of being a musician, start learning music. If you always dreamed about starting your own business, get working on that. If you’ve always dreamed of being a writer, start writing.

Whatever it is. If you’ve just dreamed about traveling the world or living on a country house with a farm with lots of animals, that’s fine, too. Whatever it is, start moving towards that dream. Make it real. And

the first step of making a dream or a passion real is to make it a goal. So you decide I will do this and you choose a date, a target date when you’re going to do it. And then you start taking action towards it little by little to achieve it. So it doesn’t mean you have to be doing it all right now but it does mean you have to be moving in that directions, start doing that. It doesn’t matter about your relationships. Find your dreams or passions and start living them.

And then finally, step number five, once you start doing that, then you have to decide does this relationship fit my dreams and passions? Right? Does this other person fit with my dreams and my passions, my deepest dreams and passions for life? And by fit, I mean will they support you doing that? Will they accept you and support you doing that? And this is the hard step, I guess. This is really the hard step.

You can talk about it with the other person but the best way to find out is to just start moving towards your passions and dreams, start living them and then see how they react. Do they encourage you? Do they support you? Or do they try to stop you? Do they criticize you? If they start criticizing you and they try to stop you, that’s a sign you’re not in the best relationship.

And step number six then is you’ve got to make a decision what to do. You have to fix it. If the person’s not supporting you, what do you do? Well, if it’s an important relationship, especially a marriage, then you don’t just want to break up with them immediately but you maybe have to be very touch and say, look, this is my dream, this is my passion. It has been for a long time and I’m going to do this and I need you to support me. And you have to be very direct and very strong about it and never change from that.

Sometimes just doing that, the other person will understand. They might challenge you a little bit but if you just stay strong, focused on your dream and your passion, a lot of times they’ll come around and they’ll start to support you and you can save that relationship. If that still doesn’t work then you might have to make the very painful choice of ending a relationship. And I know it’s painful.

It’s happened to me a few times in my life in the past. And I’ve been on both sides. I’ve had to end one and I’ve had one ended by someone else, Jessica and others. And on both sides it’s very painful. I know that. But when I look back I realize thank god those relationships ended because they freed me to live my life and to find the right person for me who I could be free with, that I could live my dream with and we could share that together.

Alright, so that’s a pretty heavy, serious topic this month. I’m sorry about that. But I think it’s good sometimes to just really…look, as I said, I hope that after you answer all these questions and do all these

things this month, I hope you come out with a very positive answer and say, yes, I’m in a great relationship. Yes, I’m already moving towards my passions and my dreams. I feel fantastic. Yes. That’s the answer I hope you give.

If not, then you might have some tough months ahead of you, but make the hard decisions because one thing I can promise you. Even though in the short term, some of these steps may be very painful, in the long term they will lead to so much more happiness for you and even for the other person. Y’know, coming back again full circle that story with Jessica.

Because of her hard decision, it was painful for her, too. And there was a lot of pain for many months after that. But because of that hard decision and accepting that short term pain, we both went off and lived much happier lives. She got the life she wanted with the husband and children and a house in the country with animals. Very happy, wonderful for her, and I’m so happy she got that.

And I got the life that I was meant to live. I’m this restless person who’s got to always be moving, so I got to move and see the world and try all these crazy experiences. I’m also very, very happy. And so thank god she made that hard, painful decision. And so I just remind you that sometimes in life those short term, very painful things can lead to incredible happiness in the long term.

So whichever you decide, good luck to you. Y’know, I love you and I wish the best for you. That’s why I’m bringing this topic up. I wish you great happiness. I wish you to live the life of your passions and your dreams.

So much love to you. I will see you next time. Bye for now.