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Iron Sharpens Iron – Audio

I’m AJ and welcome to this months’ lesson– Iron Sharpens Iron. Just recently, in fact just a couple weeks ago, I competed in my first Jiu Jitsu tournament, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament.

That’s why I’m wearing this shirt this is from my Jiu Jitsu gym. I competed in my first Jiu Jitsu tournament and in the finals, in the final fight I was against another guy who’s tough, because I watched this guy, my opponent, the competitor that I was going against.

My opponent was very good. He was tough. He was fast. He had more experience than me. I

watched him in a previous fight, very quickly, beat his opponent, beat the other guy. So, to be honest, I was very, very, very nervous because I thought man, this guy’s really good and there’s a good chance he can beat me. I knew he could beat me. For sure, he could beat me. For sure, he was very, very tough.

So the time came and, you know, I could feel the adrenalin in my body. My hearts starting to pump and it’s breathing heavy already, before the match started, before the fight started. I walk out on the mat, the referee’s in the middle. We bow. In Jiu Jitsu we do this little thing with our hands, we slap hands or bump our hands and then the fight starts immediately, boom, no hesitation.

Right away the guy comes at me, grabs onto me. So in Jiu Jitsu it’s really about wrestling. It’s about throwing, like in judo. So you’re standing up, you try to throw the guy to the ground and after that it’s like wrestling, you want to wrestle them to the ground and then finish them. To finish someone in Jiu Jitsu you choke them so they go unconscious. I guess in a real fight to the death you would kill them. That’s what’s kinda scary about Jiu Jitsu is that these techniques can be used to kill people. Of course, in tournament we don’t kill people, what you do instead is you tap. Just like in mixed martial arts if a guy gets you in a choke, you can’t get out, everything’s getting dark, you realize you’re gonna go unconscious you tap. If you’re smart you tap. Some people don’t, they go unconscious and then the referee will stop the fight.

The other way we finish people in Jiu Jitsu is by what are called arm bars or arm locks, really joint locks where you get someone where you could break their arm. You get into a position and you put pressure and again, if they don’t tap you could break their arm or break their knee. So this is the way, you throw them, you wrestle and then you get to a position where you can break their arm, choke or something.

So, this guy came at me immediately, err, right at me, grabbed me and I kinda fell back and wrapped my legs around him, so he was kinda on top of me, I had my legs around him and then we just got into this huge intense struggle, conflict, fight, where I was fighting, fighting, fighting for a strong position. I won’t talk about the details, if you don’t know Jiu Jitsu sometimes it’s hard to understand what’s a good position, what’s a bad position, but the basic idea is that we were both fighting to get the better position. If you have a good position then you can win.

So, I was fighting, fighting, fighting to get the position I wanted, but he was resisting 100%, fighting, fighting, fighting back to get the position he wanted and this fight would go back and forth. I would get into a strong position, he would start to escape. He would start getting a better position, I would fight back and get the position I wanted, back and forth. It was exhausting. It was the most intense struggle I have ever experienced, because this guy was good. This guy was tough, and he would not quit. He was not going to quit. I know he was probably tired and exhausted too, but neither one of us would quit. We both were fighting with everything 100% to win.

My hands and my forearms from grabbing, became exhausted and just burning with pain during this fight, but we just kept going, kept going, kept going and I reached like a limit. I reached a limit where I never experienced this much difficulty, struggle, intensity before, not even in practice, not in the gym, not preparing. I just didn’t realize, I didn’t realize that in a tournament things would become so, so, so intense.

And so when I reached that point my arms are burning, I’m exhausted and because I was nervous I realize now I was kind of holding my breath a lot, holding my breath when I was trying to pull or do something. My face was, my head was red; I look at the pictures in the videos of the fight and I was red, like dark red from holding my breath too much, which was a mistake. It was just because I had too much adrenalin. I was too nervous, too intense, I wasn’t thinking. I was fighting. The fight was so difficult and intense that I was holding my breath sometimes.

So, all this going and I reach a point where I’m totally exhausted, everything’s burning and this guy will not stop, but this was the magical point. This is the point where I really had to go deep inside to test myself, where I was being tested like never before in my life. And it was a test…

Would I quit?

Would I stop?

Would I give up, and let this guy win?

Or, would I somehow find the power, the intensity, the extra determination to keep going?

And I did! I did, I don’t know how I did but I did. I finally turn, I got the position I want, I scored points because there’s a point system also in Jiu Jitsu tournaments, and the fight continued after that. After I got the points I got that really strong position, but then he came back he got a few points less than me and then I came back again. At one point he had me very close. I was very close to having my arm bar, an arm lock, and so again I was exhausted. He was so close to getting my arm and again another test.

Was I going to give up and just tap or not? Again, I had to reach down and just somehow find an extra bit of intensity in strength and power. I don’t know where it comes from, but it was from being tested so intensely by this guy and in that moment again, even though exhausted, holding my breath, I managed to somehow again find some power and with one arm just flip him over and to get on top of him. Eventually, I held on, I won the fight and I got first place in the tournament. Yah!!!

But it’s not about the first place, what I was so relieved and happy about, and found so powerful was how much I was tested, how difficult it was, much more difficult than I had ever imagined; far, far more difficult than I had imagined and yet somehow I got through. I learned something about myself. Since that tournament my confidence has just (choung) I feel so much more confident now. Confident, for example, that I can defend myself in a street fight and just confident that I have some kind of power deep down inside that I can find, that when everything seems lost, when I feel like I can’t go anymore, that I know somehow, somewhere I can. There is some extra bit of strength, some extra bit of determination and power.

I call this an indomitable spirit. It means cannot be dominated, cannot be beaten, cannot be dominated. Now I can be beaten, of course, I can lose. There’s lots of Jiu Jitsu guys better than me. That guy, he might have won. There were a few couple points he had a chance to win, but indomitable means no one can make you surrender. No one can make you quit. No one can defeat you psychologically. Yeah, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but your spirit cannot be broken. An indomitable spirit, and I found that in myself, truly found it. I’ve had it a little bit in other things in my life, in other challenges. Like, running a marathon was tough, I had to find a little bit of that when I ran a marathon one time. With my business I’ve had to do it sometimes, but nothing like this. I’ve never been pushed this hard and had to go so deep before.

And that’s where the title of this months’ VIP lesson comes from, Iron Sharpens Iron. It’s a metaphor. Iron meaning hardness, toughness. What it means is that I got tougher and stronger because I fought against someone who was also very tough and strong. He was iron. His spirit was iron. It was tough. It was strong, and because of that I had to become iron to beat him. So, the benefit of going against this guy, this tough guy and experiencing this intensity, this incredibly tough conflict.

Number one, as I said, was confidence. That’s kind of obvious right. You come through something like that you feel so much stronger, you find a deep strength in yourself that otherwise you would never find, because you’d never have to. Right, when things are less intense, less difficult you just never have to find that deep determination, that indomitable spirit. Only when you are tested to your limits do you find it and when you find it your confidence just grows, it’s a deep automatic, intuitive confidence. I just feel different. I feel almost reborn in some ways.

Now, what’s interesting is that at the same time I’ve gotten this great confidence from Jiu Jitsu and especially from this fight, this tournament, at the exact same time, simultaneously I feel greater humility, which is also interesting. So humility is when you realize… when your ego gets smaller and you realize oh, I’m not the greatest, I’m not the best, I’m not everything. In the past I always used to think that kind of confidence and humility were kind of opposite almost or they went against each other, but now I realize now they go together, true humility and true confidence.

We have a lot of fake confidence and fake humility in our culture now, especially popular culture. You see this in mixed martial arts, a lot of the guys; I’m the best and they beat their chest and roar. It’s kind of a fake confidence. It’s what we might call arrogance. They’re showing, yeah these guys are strong, yeah they’re confident but that big show it’s not what I’m talking about. I think the true confidence comes from, again, facing intense difficulty and finding that indomitable spirit.

Before I had humility I’d say, but it came from weakness really. It kinda came from being weak and so, oh yeah, I wouldn’t be arrogant but it was not because I was strong. True humility comes from when you’re strong but you also realize your limitations and you accept them. The humility I’ve learned from Jiu Jitsu is from being beaten at the gym every single class, because every single class that most of the guys at my gym are better than I am. And so, when we fight they beat me. They beat me again and again and again.

In fact, it just happened. I went to class after the tournament, I’m feeling strong, confident, yah!!! Which is great, but then I go and then I had a match, a practice match, sparring, it’s called practice fighting against a guy who’s a purple belt, which is much higher than me. Purple belts in Jiu Jitsu are tough guys, tough, tough, tough.

This guy’s smaller than me, but for five minutes he just destroyed me. He destroyed me. He choked me and choked me and choked me again and again and again. I just tapped, tapped again, tapped again, I mean I was helpless. Nothing I could do to stop that guy, he was just so much better than me. And believe me that will drop your ego very quickly. I mean, choked again and again by a smaller guy who is so obviously better than you and there’s nothing you can do to stop him, it makes you realize your limitations, right. You realize hmm wow, there’s always someone much better.

So afterwards I respect that. I have humility at the gym. I realize hey, most of these guys are better than me, and there will always, always be lots of people better than me. Even if I get a black belt I know many, many people will still be much better than me. So that gives a humility but it doesn’t come from weakness, it’s a kind of calm humility. I’m confident because I know I can defend myself against most people who don’t know fighting, but at the same time I’m humble because I know lots of guys can still beat me. I think that’s a great combination, it’s kind of a calm confidence. It’s a confidence that doesn’t come from big ego.

The other big benefit that I got from this tournament and from Jiu Jitsu and the hardness, the toughness of it is respect, an earned honor; what I would call honor and respect. Honor is almost completely missing from our modern culture now, our modern global society, it doesn’t value honor and earned respect. A lot of people think they deserve respect because they have a certain position, they have a certain title or they’re of a certain race or of a certain group. That’s not earned respect. It’s not real respect. Earned respect is when you do something difficult and your group recognizes and respects you because of it. They recognize your effort. They recognize your accomplishment.

It’s based on merit, meaning a kind of earned respect. Merit means accomplishment, real world accomplishment, and this is the other thing I love about Jiu Jitsu is, there’s no faking. Even the belts really don’t matter, because when I go to my gym everybody knows who’s the best and whose next and whose next? It’s obvious, you can’t hide. You can’t hide. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good talker and you act tough, every class you have to go onto the mat and you have to fight against other guys. You are going to be tested every single time. You can’t pretend. If you’re not good you will get beaten, and I’m usually beaten still.

And if you’re really good everybody knows it. It doesn’t matter your age or your race or anything. It doesn’t matter your title. It doesn’t matter if in the outside world you’re really rich or if in the outside world you’re poor. Nobody cares in the gym, right, because all the respect is earned. It’s earned from being good. It’s earned from effort. Like, I feel like I got a little more respect after the tournament, not because I’m really good but because the other guys realized I’m determined, I’m serious, I’m working really hard, I’m training hard to get better and I want that. I want their respect because I respect them so much. I see how hard they train. I see how much they practice, how good they are, so I want to be like them and I want their respect. I want to earn their respect.

It feels really good to be part of a group like that. It’s called meritocracy, meritocracy, like we have democracy. So, meritocracy is a group where the hierarchy, the power or the respect comes from merit, from accomplishments, from real accomplishments, not from titles, not from other things. And the thing I love about Jiu Jitsu is that it’s a meritocracy; you’re good or you’re not that’s about it. You know, you can win or you can’t win. This guy’s better than you or he’s not better than you and you quickly find out. So there’s a mutual respect among everyone.

Everyone respects it because everyone is just working and nobody cares how much money you have. Nobody cares what you do in the outside world. None of that matters it’s just, do you work hard? Do you train hard? Are you improving? That’s what people respect and that’s the only thing that gets you respect in the gym and I love that, because that’s missing so much now as we look at different jobs, in school, all of that. It’s so political and it’s just about trying to please the person who’s more powerful or say the right things or appear really good or real good. It’s all about appearance, not merit, not accomplishment.

So I think we need this in our lives to be in groups, to be in activities, to be in organizations where it’s just about merit. It’s just about how much you work and how hard you train or practice, how much you improve. That you earn the respect, that it all comes from that and nothing else. It’s a special feeling, a special connection to be part of a group like that.

So, Iron Sharpens Iron, how does this apply to you in your life? Maybe you don’t want to do Jiu Jitsu, I understand. Let’s talk about it in a more general way in life in general.

Number one, we should think of a very important thing… change our thinking, change the way we view opponents. This has been a big change in my life, opponents, people who are opposed against us, fighting against us maybe physically like in Jiu Jitsu but also even mentally, politically; at our job, rivals, people who are somehow going against us. See, I used to avoid conflict and I still do I’m still not comfortable with it in many parts of my life… arguments, fighting, conflict, going against people… and I used to think of it as oh, they’re like an enemy. I’m their enemy, they’re my enemy and I don’t want enemies, but that made me weak, it made me fearful.

And now what I realize what Jiu Jitsu has taught me specifically, is that, no that opponent is my ally. That opponent is good for me. That opponent makes me tougher. That opponent sharpens me, right, iron sharpens iron. So, again, imagine iron like you’re a sword or a knife; this is the analogy, the metaphor. To become sharper. To become a sharper sword. How do you sharpen it? You need something else that’s hard, right, if you take something very soft like a banana and you rub it on the iron, the iron will not get sharper, right? That knife will not get sharper by just rubbing a banana on it. No, no, no you take like a stone or another piece of iron and that’s how you sharpen the sword, that’s how you sharpen the knife. You need something else that’s hard and tough.

So this is the metaphor, this is the idea… we get harder, we get tougher, we get better when we go against other people who are also tough and hard. And so now I realize, a hard tough opponent is a gift. A hard tough opponent is a gift. That fight in the tournament was a gift. That guy was a gift to me. He forced me to get tougher. He forced me to be stronger. He forced me to find greater strength and determination inside myself that I didn’t know that I had. I didn’t know if I had it or not and he forced it to come out. I am grateful to him.

After the tournament actually, he was a very nice guy. We had a nice conversation; it was fantastic, and we both had a kind of respect for each other, because he said the same thing about me… oh, you’re very strong. We both had a very special respect for each other. And, you know, I won that fight but honestly if I fought that guy again next week there’s a good chance he would beat me. It was very close, very, very, very close. In many ways he was better than me, which is where the humility comes from because I realize that, I know that.

And so we both kind of had this very mutual, like a special respect developed instantly. I never met him before, but something’s kinda special. And, you know, I forced him also, my determination, and my toughness pushed him and forced him to find his own indomitable spirit. Iron sharpens iron…

So, in life, it’s very easy to hate our opponents, or maybe not hate maybe to get angry at or upset at people who go against us. Opponent, in sport, in business, in life, in family whatever, anything, socially, rivals – opponents and I used to be that way too, but now I’m starting to realize we should be grateful to them. We don’t have to agree with them and we certainly will continue to fight them. In fact, that’s part of what the benefit is we want to them hard. And actually, we should be grateful when they fight back hard because it makes us tougher, it makes us stronger, it makes us better in all different areas of life, and so we need to develop that respect for our opponents, and actually, a gratitude for them.

To see them as a gift, a gift, because it’s not your allies that make you stronger. It’s not everybody who’s agreeing with you and saying good job, yay. They’re not the ones who push you to get tougher and stronger and smarter and better. No, it’s the people who are going against you, it’s the resistance. It’s just like lifting weights right, if you have nothing to push against you don’t get stronger, but if you have something hard to push against and you keep doing it, yes, you get stronger, you get tougher, you get healthier. You feel better, everything improves.

So this is a very big change for me, as I said, all my life growing up I’ve avoided conflict; verbal conflict, arguments and things like that, and certainly physical conflicts like fights and things. I don’t go looking for fights now, but this Jiu Jitsu experience has been very, very, very powerful for me and made me realize that conflicts not bad it’s natural, and in fact, conflict can be a gift and hard, tough, opponents are a gift to us when we rise up to face them, iron sharpens iron. Be grateful to them.

And finally, let me just say, some people who still feel weird about this idea. As I said in the tournament, you will often find that your toughest opponents, not always, but sometimes you will find your toughest opponents will become allies or even friends in the future, or at the very least you develop a kind of respect, a deep respect for each other. Respect is different even than you have for friends and allies. As I said, I gave an instant respect for that guy and him for me. If he lived closer or near me or if he went to my same gym, I probably could feel like becoming friends with him. It’s very interesting.

Respect and welcome your opponents as a gift.

All right, I will see you in the Interact lessons, and in the commentary we’ll talk more about how you can do this. Maybe you don’t want to do Jiu Jitsu, but you can do this in many areas of your life. I’ll tell you more specifically how to.

See you then.