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Becoming VIP - Commentary

Hello this is A.J. Welcome to the commentary for this month’s VIP Lesson ‘Becoming.’ Now in the video, I talked about status and then about being, right, status and being and when I first started talking about this topic I wondered, you know, are they really connected. How are they connected? Why am I talking about these two topics in the same lesson? And I realized they are connected, very closely connected, because what they’re about is validation, validation.

What is that word “validation” mean? Well, in this case, when we’re talking about psychology, validation really means a feeling of approval and a feeling of importance. It means you feel approved of, accepted and you feel important. You feel significant. All of that together is what that word validation means, in this case, validation.

There are two kinds of validation or two places you can look for validation, one is innerdirected validation and the other is outward-directed validation. I probably should say inward, inward-directed or outward-directed validation or inner validation and outer validation. That’s a lot of words, what are we talking about?

Well, if we use that one phrase “inward-directed validation”, “inward”, of course, means looking to the inside and “directed” is just the direction. It means looking in the direction of inside to find validation; to find a feeling of being important and approved of. Does that make sense? And, of course, outward-directed validation would be the opposite. It means looking in the direction of the outside; outside yourself for the feeling of approval and importance. But to make it shorter, we’ll just say inner validation and outer validation and that’s what I’m really talking about in this month’s video.

You see, status, status is outward-directed validation. It’s outer validation, right? For status, what you’re doing, you’re doing things, you’re buying things, you’re getting things, you’re doing things on the outside on the surface, outside of yourself, in order to get other people outside yourself to approve of you and to view you as important and once they view you as important then you allow yourself to feel important.

Now, of course, I don’t mean you, personally, because I know VIP members are not normal people, in many ways, in good ways, but you can see this all the time when you look at celebrities or famous people, but I bet you can even see it in your own neighborhood. I bet you can even see it in your own job or career. You can see it in your own life – people doing things to impress other people.

Maybe it’s the clothes they wear, the things they buy or even the things they do, but they’re not doing them because inside it makes them feel great or to help other people, they’re doing it so that other people on the outside will look at them better, think better things about them; give them higher status. Do you see how that works? And the opposite is when you’re focused on just who you become; on becoming your ideal person.

In another lesson we talked about true self. You know, becoming that person inside you, that best person inside you. That when you really dream, not about what you want to have, which a lot of us do and there’s nothing wrong with that – there’s nothing wrong with dreaming about, you know, having a big sailboat or whatever it is you want, that’s fine, it’s okay – but more important is who you become, who you are, and we also have a dream about that and that’s kind of our best person, our ideal person, that person that we’re pulled to be, that we really want to be and maybe all of our life we’re trying to become that person.

Certainly it’s true for me. I have an ideal in my mind when I dream about the kind of person I want to be. Of course, it’s very positive. It’s wonderful. One of the things I dream about is being a great leader, a great leader who can inspire people, who can help a lot of people, who has a lot of power and charisma, not so that other people think I’m cool, but so that I can help other people feel better and be more successful, be happier.

Now I’m not that person yet completely. I’m more of that person now then I was five years ago, right? I’m closer to that person, but I’m not there. Maybe I’ll never reach that ultimate goal, that ideal person, where I just think of myself as just this amazing leader who helps so many people, inspires peoples so powerfully.

I won’t be a failure if I don’t make it all the way. I will be successful in my heart and in my mind, as long as every year I get closer and that any time I look back in my life I can say, honestly, I’m better now. I’m a better person. I’m a better leader now then I was last year or five years ago and five years from now I will be an even better leader, an even better person, because I have this vision in my head of the person I want to be.

Sometimes I’m very strong and bold and I go and I get it to really improve in that area and sometimes I’m weak and I fail. Then I’m scared and I don’t do it, because it feels uncomfortable. I worry about what other people are thinking. All the same fears that we all have, but I don’t quit. I don’t stop, because then the next week or the next month I will keep trying again and I’ll try something new. It never stops.

It’s that’s idea of CANEI. It’s such a common thing we talk about here at Effortless English in the VIP Program – Constant and Never Ending Improvement – but in this case we’re not talking about skills. We’re not talking about things you’re getting. We’re not talking about little specific goals. We’re talking about that inner validation, right? It’s that best person that you know you can be and that you really, really want to be.

If you’re a parent, a mother or a father, you have an idea of the kind of mother or father you really want to be. You have that sort of almost perfect vision. Of course, we can’t be perfect, but the perfect vision helps us to get better, to be better, and I know that you probably are not every day being that person; being that ideal person that you see as a mother or a father.

Sometimes you get impatient. Sometimes you aren’t paying attention enough. You know that’s natural, you’re human, but you keep that vision. You keep looking at it, it guides you. That’s your compass to guide your life towards growing stronger and better. That’s inner validation and it’s the same if we’re talking about money or fitness or anything else.

See, this is one of the problems people have with health and fitness. A lot of people are looking for outer validation and so what do they focus on? They focus on how good they’re going to look in a bikini, if they’re a woman, or, you know, getting certain big muscles, if they’re a man and how other people, especially people of the opposite sex, are going to approach them and act towards them. They’re all focused on outer validation – on what will other people do and think when they get healthier and look better.

The problem with that is it’s weak. It doesn’t give you strength and power. You’re giving your power to other people and it’s less motivating. What’s more motivation is inner validation. There what you would be focusing on instead would be I want to feel super energetic. I want to feel amazing. I want to jump up out bed in the morning feeling fantastic, full of energy, ready to start my day and I want to have that energy all day long, right up until lunch, right through lunch, all afternoon, all evening, at my job, with my friends, with my family.

I want to be alive and moving and feeling absolutely fantastic, feeling strong, feeling energetic and feeling amazing in everything I do and with everyone in my life. Now that, for health, is inner validation. You see the difference? It’s much more powerful, because nobody can take that away from you.

Let’s say you’re a woman and you lose weight and you look great. But, you know, everybody has different opinions and maybe you like a guy and you’re not his type and, you know, he rejects you. Well, if you’re focused on, you know, outer validation then you’re gonna’ oh, God, oh no. You’re gonna’ feel terrible and then maybe you’ll think oh, I’m still a little too fat and you’re going to get all worried about it and you’re going to feel bad. See, you’re going to give that guy the power to take it away or to give it to you.

So then you’re always worried about, you know, do I look good enough. Do I look good enough? Not do I feel great, but do I look good and this is what I see with so many people when they focus on health. You see the difference? If it’s about how you feel no one can take it away. No one can take that away from me.

You know my weight. Well, I’ll gain 10 pounds sometimes then lose 10 pounds, 10 or 15. I have a range. I’m not always exactly the same weight, it just depends on how much I happen to be moving and exercising and if I’m being a good boy with my food or if I’m not. Sometimes I’m very good sometimes I’m kind of bad about it, but not forever. I have a weight range, but I don’t really focus on that so much.

I certainly don’t care what other people think. Oh, no, people will think I’m fat. Oh, no! I never think that. Now I might look in the mirror and not be happy with it, because I might realize oh, I’m not looking good. That’s a bad sign, because it means that I’m getting less healthy and it means maybe I should pay attention to how I feel. How’s my energy right now, that’s what I really focus on and, as you know, with my other health topics we focus on the topic of energy.

We measure health with energy, not weight and the great thing is nobody can take that away from me. I don’t care if other people think I’m heavy or skinny and it’s funny, because I’ve got friends, different friends who don’t see me for a while, like in Asia, for example. So I’ll be gone for six months and I come back and some friends will tell me that I look thin. They’ll say A.J. I think you’ve lost weight. You need to eat more. A.J., you look really thin. Then a day later I’ll meet a different friend and they’ll say A.J., hum, I think you’ve gained a little weight. You look heavier. Its okay, but you look like you’re a little heavier now and I’m the same weight.

So I’m like okay. So some people are seeing me as thinner – I lost weight – other people are saying I’ve gained weight and I would go crazy if I was looking for validation outside, right? Oh, my God, they think I’m fat. Oh, my God, they think I’m too thin. It would make me all worried. It sounds crazy and yet I know people, especially women, unfortunately, who think like this and who have this process and if someone says ooh, you look a little heavier, the woman just gets really oh, my God, depressed and upset.

I just focus in on myself. I know how I feel and when I’m feeling fantastic and alive and great I don’t care if people tell me I look really thin and unhealthy and people tell me I look overweight or heavier this time. I don’t care. I know inside how I feel. If I feel fantastic and energized and alive and amazing, you think I care what they say? I don’t. I do not care at all.

It’s the same with my teaching, by the way. This is a big one. See, when I get up on stage and I’m teaching, let’s say to 200 people, do you think every single person in that audience loves me? Well, that would be nice, but no, it’s not true. Some people come, they don’t know me. Maybe their friend brought them. Maybe they heard about it from an advertisement. I don’t know. They wandered in off the street. I’m not sure, but sometimes, you know, in fact, almost every time with a big audience, there are a few people who really don’t like my style.

As you know, I’m a crazy man. I run around the audience. I’m jumping and making them jump and go crazy. There’s a ton of energy. We play loud music. I tell crazy mini-story lessons and I tell them that all the stuff they learned in school was basically wrong.

Sometimes I have professors in there who are very academic or just very, very serious people who don’t like my crazy, funny stories; they don’t like my crazy, funny style.

Now, see, in the past, long ago, many years ago, when I was just learning public speaking, I would notice these people, right? I’d have a room of 30 people, but I would see the one person who I could tell was bored, who didn’t like me and they would make me crazy. At the end of the speech I would be feeling terrible because of that one person. I didn’t notice the other 29 people who were smiling and paying attention and seemed to enjoy my speech, no, I focused on the one person who seemed bored and who didn’t seem to like me and so I judged myself as a speaker based on what just a few people thought about me.

Well, now, of course, I still don’t like to see those people. It’s never pleasant, you know, when I see them and they’re not smiling and they’re looking unhappy. I don’t like that because, of course, ideally, I would love everyone to be having fun, but I also have learned to not focus on them too much. I’ll notice them and I’ll say oh, well, you know, I have to be myself. I have to do my best job. I just ask myself.

I look inside and I just ask myself, am I doing my best? Am I giving all of my energy?

Have I created the best possible seminar I know how to make? Am I using the methods that I know are most powerful, most effective, and, of course, yes, I am. I answer yes, yes, yes and I feel great and then I notice all the other 198 people who are jumping and shouting and smiling and having a great time and feeling much better about their English speaking.

But even then, you know, if everybody is happy, but I do a bad job, if I knew that my energy was low, if I know that I just didn’t do the best job, if everybody is happy and great, I still feel bad, because again, I have inner validation. It’s inward. It’s based on who I am. Who am I being? Am I being the best possible teacher and speaker that I can be right now? Am I always trying to do that? If I feel that, I know it inside, then I feel good. Yeah, sometimes I might feel tired. Yeah, I might be disappointed with the audience, but essentially, I still feel good and important and successful. It’s inner validation.

So this month your project is to go through the different parts of your life again. We usually do this each month; you look at different parts of your life. Okay, so the main areas might be family, job or career if you’re working, finances and money, you might look at your social life with friends, your physical life, you know, how healthy you are and how fit you are.

You can make your own categories, whatever the main, big categories in your life are, and what I want you to do is to be really honest with yourself. Look at each of these categories and, first, I want you to write down in each category in what ways have you been looking for outer validation. Just be honest.

In your career, for example, are you always trying to please your boss or are you focused more on the inside of just being the best person in your job you can be, doing the best job you can possibly do and feeling good about that and always trying to learn and improve in your job and that’s your main motivation. Be honest. Don’t judge yourself. We all have the kind of tendency to look outside sometimes.

In some parts of your life you might be very inner directed, you might be living with inner validation and then in other parts of your life you might be looking for outer validation or there might be a mix. That’s probably the most common thing is that at your job you might sometimes be focused inwardly and just trying to do the best job possible and knowing yourself that you’re doing it and feeling good, but sometimes you might be trying to please your boss and usually they conflict.

I know in my job the thing that got me in trouble all the time when I was working for other people was that I was super inner directed and, therefore, I always did what I felt was right inside, what I felt was best, and many times it’s not what my boss wanted me to do.

If the boss was telling me to do one thing, but I thought and I felt inside, in my heart, that’s not best, that’s not best for my students, then I would not do what my boss said and, of course, that caused problems, but that’s okay, because I felt good myself. I didn’t need his approval and I could always find other jobs very easily if I had to quit or leave, because I was genuinely a very good, caring teacher and so it was very easy for me to get another job if I left an old one.

So, anyway, what you’re doing this month. You’re going through each part. You see, that’s just one example. You’ll look at your family and say okay, am I just trying to please my wife or husband all the time or girlfriend or boyfriend or am I being the man or woman that I know I should be, that I want to be.

You know maybe your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend sometimes they just have a bad mood. This has been hard for me. I struggle in this area with my relationships. If my partner’s mood is bad it’s hard for me to still stay in a good mood, even if it has nothing to do with me. They might just be having a bad day, but then it gets me in a bad mood.

See, that’s because I’m look at that outer validation. I want them to give me happiness and a good mood and if they’re in a bad mood I think I’m doing something wrong. That’s looking for outer validation. I’m directed outward. I’m looking outward. That’s one area in my life I want to improve.

So you’re going to do this for each part of your life, you’re going to just write down in what ways are you outwardly directed – looking outward – and in what ways do you look inward for your validation. Do it for each area of your life. Then, in each area of your life, write down a description. Describe the ideal person you want to be in that part of your life.

You know, as a boyfriend or a husband I want to be like this. I want to be patient. I want to be calm. I want to respond to my partner’s moods in a calm way. If I’m happy I don’t want to become unhappy just because they are. I want to be able to calmly talk to them and listen to them without becoming unhappy and this way I can support them and I support myself, because I’m finding my own strength and happiness from my inside.

And you can get a vision. You can actually picture yourself the way you would stand and talk and look and feel in those kinds of situations and then you’re going to write it down.

Describe it. Put it in your journal. Then you’ll move to your career or your job or your business or whatever, your finances, even just your family budget. You’ll look, okay, so what is the ideal kind of person I want to be. What kind of financial person or businessperson do I want to be?

Emotionally, for example, if you lose some money or something bad happens, how do you want to react in those kinds of situations and how do you react now, then just picture that. Remember, it’s not about how much money do you want to have. That’s not what we’re talking about. I’m not talking about writing down your financial goals. No. I’m saying what kind of person do you want to be emotionally, intellectually?

See it. Write it down and describe it and do this for each of these areas in your life. Then I just want you to review that description for one month so you get that view of yourself, the kind of person you ideally, perfectly want to be so that it will start to pull you so that it will attract you and that’s who you’ll become. And that is your homework for this month.

I hope you enjoy this topic. This is a deep topic, a little deep, very psychological this month, but it is another powerful topic. When you develop this clearer and clearer vision of yourself in these different parts of your life, you begin to feel happier inside no matter what happens and you begin to get a new kind of success that comes from the inside that no one else can take, that nothing can change.

All right, have a great month. As usual, get on that VIP social site and tell us about your experience with this month’s lesson.

I’ll see you again soon my special VIP. Have a great day, bye-bye.