درسنامه تعاملی دوم

B Hi, this is AJ, welcome to our next lesson, the interactive B lesson. In this lesson I’m going to go through the essay again, but this time I will ask you questions. When I ask questions, I’ll pause.

When I pause you should shout out an answer. Now, you can answer with just one sentence it’s fine, you don’t need long answers, just short little answers are fine. But, by answering the questions you will train your brain to respond more quickly and by hearing the questions several times you’ll get more repetition, faster learning of the phrases, the grammar, the vocabulary.

Let’s begin…

Think of the situation as a reservoir of resentment, anger, and hurt that needs to be drained.

Should you think of the situation as an airplane?

No, you shouldn’t think of the situation as an airplane.

You should think of the situation as a what?

As a reservoir.

Should you think of the situation as a reservoir or as an airplane?

As a reservoir.

You should imagine the situation as a reservoir filled with resentment, anger, hurt or whatever emotion, that needs to be drained that’s right, that needs to be drained, that needs to be empty.

Maybe there’s someone in your life you need to reach, but you can’t and it’s what, driving you what?

Driving you crazy.

Is the situation a happy situation?

No, it’s not happy it’s driving you crazy. The situation is driving you crazy.

Is the situation making you feel good?

No, no it’s upsetting you a lot. It’s driving you crazy. The situation with the other person is driving you crazy, because you’ve tried everything… logic, discussions, persuasion, pleading, anger, but you’ve hit a wall every time.

Have you achieved a breakthrough?

No, not yet, you have not achieved a breakthrough, you’ve hit a wall. You’ve hit a wall. You cannot make progress you’ve hit a wall.

Who has hit a wall?

You. You have hit a wall.

Are you making progress?

No, you’re not making progress you’ve hit a wall.

Perhaps you’re made or scared or frustrated and you’re thinking, what now?

Think of this as a hostage situation because you are trapped by another person’s resistance; fear, hostility, apathy-not caring, stubbornness, self-centeredness or neediness, and by your own inability to take effective action.

To understand this picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and they can’t what?

They can’t grab hold.

What can’t grab hold?

The tires. The tires can’t grab hold.

Can’t grab hold of what?

Can’t grab hold of the road. The tires are sliding and slipping, they can’t grab hold. They can’t grab hold of the road.

What do you do, do you upshift or downshift to get control?

Downshift if you’re going up a hill and your tires are sliding, you downshift Do you upshift to gain control?

No, you downshift to gain control.

Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people.

Do they want to reach other people? Do they want to communicate effectively with other people?

Yes, they want to get through to other people.

Do they want to get through to themselves?

No, they don’t want to get through to themselves they want to get through to other people. They want to effectively communicate with other people. They want to get through to other people.

Do most people upshift or downshift when they want to get through to other people?

Most people upshift, they try harder. Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people, they talk more, they try harder, they get more stressed.

Do you upshift when you want to get through to another person?

No, no, no, not you you’re not going to upshift you’re going to downshift, but most people upshift when they want to get through to other people.

They persuade. They encourage, they argue, they push and in the process they create what?

Resistance. They create resistance. When you push too much with communication you create resistance.

But when you use the techniques I teach you, you’ll do exactly the opposite. You’ll listen, ask, mirror and reflect back to people what you’ve heard.

What will you reflect back?

You’ll reflect back what you heard. You’ll reflect back what the other person said.

When you do they will feel understood and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.

By downshifting, by relaxing, by listening, by downshifting will you push them away?

No, no.

You won’t push them away you’ll what?

You’ll draw them to you.

So will you attract them or will you push them away?

You’ll attract them. You’ll draw them to you.

What will draw them to you?

Downshifting. Downshifting will draw them to you; relaxing will draw them to you.

The focus, the central tenet and promise of this method is the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone, is to have them buy in.

Do you want them to resist you?

No.

You don’t want them to resist you, you want them to what?

To buy in. You want them to accept you and support you. You want them to buy in.

Buy in (as a noun) occurs when people move from resisting to listening and then to considering what you’re saying. Ironically, the key to gaining buy, the key to gaining acceptance is not what you say it’s what you get them, the other person or people, to tell you. And it’s what happens in their minds in the process.

So to get buy in, to get acceptance, do you need to talk more or do they need to talk more?

They need to talk more. You need to encourage them to talk more if you want buy in.

However, you need to get through to yourself first.

What’s the first thing you need to do?

Get through to yourself. Effectively communicate with yourself.

Getting your emotions under control is a key to being a great leader. It’s also the most important key to reaching other people, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. That’s why a calm hostage negotiator can get through to someone who seems unreachable.

Can a hostage negotiator get through to difficult people?

Yeah, yeah. In the movies they always do right, they always get through to, effectively communicate with difficult people, criminals.

Who gets through to criminals in the movies?

The hostage negotiator. The hostage negotiator gets through to the criminal.

Conversely, a person whose crying, whining or yelling will turn off, will push away even a calm and empathetic listener. So the opposite, the reverse of a calm, skilled hostage negotiator is a person who’s crying and whining or yelling.

Is crying, whining or yelling effective for getting through to people?

No, crying, whining or yelling is not an effective way to get through to people.

Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because it’ll keep you from being your own worst enemy.

Do you want to be your own worst enemy?

No, you don’t want to be your own worst enemy.

Do you want to cause your own problems?

No, you don’t want to cause more problems for yourself.

You don’t want to what?

Be your own worst enemy. You don’t want to be your own worst enemy.

So, do you want to be your own worst enemy or do you not want to be your own worst enemy?

You do not, you do not want to be your own worst enemy. You do not want to cause more problems for yourself.

Therefore, the first and most important rule for taking control in a stressful situation is this?

Get yourself under control first. Control yourself first. Control your feelings first.

Next, listen and understand, then be understood later. When you encounter problem people, realize there’s a reason they’re behaving the way they do. Maybe they have a long-term problem, anxiety, or anger or fear. Open your own mind and look for the reasons behind the behavior. This will the first step towards breaking down barriers and communicating with a seemingly impossible person.

So, for good communication do you want to create barriers or do you want to break down barriers?

You want to break down barriers. You want to remove barriers. A barrier is like a wall, it blocks communication.

So, for great communication you want to what?

Break down barriers. For great communication you want to break barriers or remove barriers, then, make the other person feel understood.

One explanation for the effectiveness of making a person feel understood lies in the mirror neurons. Remember, they’re the biological cells that make us feel what another person is feeling. When you mirror what another person feels, the person is programmed to mirror you in return. They are wired to mirror you in return. It’s an irresistible, biological urge.

Can you resist this desire to feel what another person is feeling? Can you resist it?

No, it’s irresistible, it’s too powerful.

So, for example, in a movie if the actor looks very sad, if they’re a very good actor it’s irresistible. You also will feel sad.

So is it resistible or irresistible?

It’s irresistible.

An irresistible, biological what?

An irresistible biological urge. (Urge here is a noun, it means a desire) An irresistible biological what?

An irresistible biological urge.

Is it a resistible biological urge or an irresistible biological urge?

It’s an irresistible biological urge you cannot resist it. It’s one that will draw the other person towards you.

Despite the power of this move, despite the power of this technique people often resist using it, because they hesitate they worry about poking around in other people’s private feelings.

Do most people like to poke around in other people’s feelings?

No, most people do not like to poke around in other people’s feelings.

Do most people like to explore other people’s feelings, especially other people’s negative feelings?

No, no, most people do not like to poke around in other people’s negative feelings.

Will you poke around in other people’s negative feelings?

Yes you will. You will poke around in their negative feelings.

Will you encourage them to talk about their negative feelings?

Yes you will, in order to heal your relationship. So you will poke around in their feelings. You will explore their feelings.

If your relationship with another person is going nowhere, making that person feel understood and felt is your best bet, your best opportunity for achieving a what?

For achieving a breakthrough. A big sudden, positive change.

Do you want to achieve a breakthrough or no?

Yes, you want to achieve a breakthrough with the other person.

Do you achieve a breakthrough by making them feel terrible?

No, you don’t achieve a breakthrough by making them feel terrible.

You achieve a breakthrough by making them feel what?

Making them feel felt, by making them feel understood. By making them feel understood, you will achieve a breakthrough.

Okay, that is the end of our interactive lesson part B. You’ll listen to this lesson every day for at least seven days, 14 would be better, you can do it even more, and each time answer the questions out loud. Loudly and quickly, make it a game, make it fun.

All right, I’ll see you in the commentary.

Bye for now.