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##Apology and Reconciliation – Commentary

Hello, this is AJ, welcome to the commentary for this months’ lesson.

In the main video lesson I promised you a step-by-step process for reconciliation for effective apology. Reconciliation again, means to heal a relationship. So let’s just go through stepbystep.

I‘ve given you the basic ideas in the interactive lesson and in the main lesson, so let’s just talk about how do you actually do it?

So, imagine there’s someone that you are having a really tough time with, you know, maybe you did something to upset them. Maybe it’s very, very serious like the story I told in the main lesson with a dad and a daughter that haven’t talked for 20 or more years or maybe it’s much less serious. But, you’re feeling bad, it’s an important relationship and you want to heal it. Now maybe also they did some things to you that you’re upset about and angry about, right, because oftentimes it’s both ways and maybe it’s going on for a long time.

But, as I said in the main lesson, you’re going to be the leader right, positive leadership that’s a big important value of Effortless English. You’re going to be the leader. You’re going to take the steps to heal the relationship. You’re going to be the strong one.

Step one, as we learned in the interactive lesson is to take control of yourself. You have to heal yourself first, because if you’re filled with anger, if you’re filled with resistance, if you’re filled with, I don’t know, fear or pain, you can’t effective heal the relationship. Your negative emotions will come through, they’ll come out and it’ll destroy the process. So the first, rather tough step is…

1. You have to forgive.

You have to forgive, let go and heal your own negative feelings. That might take you a while, I don’t know. If it’s a really big thing and there’s a lot of pain that might be the toughest step, but you’re just gonna have to do it. Meditate about it. Pray about it. Write about it, whatever you need to do to let go and to take control of your own emotions.

Now, a helpful way to do that is to actually put yourself in the other person’s shoes, even if you’re angry at them, even if they did something bad to you. By putting yourself in their shoes, try to imagine how they felt. Try to imagine what they were thinking and be as kind as possible, and maybe you’ll realize that oh, well, maybe they also were feeling bad or maybe they were tired or maybe they have some bad history in their life, right. There are reasons they did what they did.

If you can understand them that might help you to let go and forgive them, but that’s the big important first step, because when you actually go to talk to them you need to be feeling calm, and loving and kind, and have a lot of positive feelings in your mind and a positive mindset. You must do that first step.

All right, so now what do you do? You’re feeling fine, you’re feeling good; how do you get through to the other person? How do you get through to them? If they’re angry, if they’re upset maybe they don’t even want to talk to you. Here’s what you do. First you have to contact them and say, I would like to talk. So please, I would like to talk to you, I feel bad about the problems we’re having and I would like to hear from you what you’re feeling. I’d like to hear how you feel about this. I would like to give you a chance to talk about how you’re feeling and what’s wrong.

So you notice how I’m saying that, very important how you say that when you approach them, when you contact them. Already from the beginning you’re focusing on them. You’re telling them, I want to hear you. Not, I want to talk. Not, I want to tell you what I think or how I feel.

Not, I want to discuss it. No, I want to listen. I want to hear. I want to understand you.

Immediately you’re showing them that you want to understand them that will make them a little softer. You may need to repeat this step many times, eventually, hopefully they will agree to talk to you. It doesn’t matter phone or in person, doesn’t matter.

1. Next, you let them talk.

You just say okay, ask a very simple question like, okay well, you know I know we’ve not been close. I know we have some problems, I know you’re probably upset. Be very general in the beginning. I know or I think you’ve been kind of upset with me. I think you’ve been angry with me, so please tell me what’s happening. Please tell me what you’re feeling. Please tell me what’s wrong. Any of these very general phrases will be fine, and then they’ll start to talk. Dat, dat, dat, dat they’ll say something, and this is the magic part of the formula, the process.

When they talk the magic part is, you don’t need to really say much. You really don’t need to respond too much of what they say, you’re mostly going to mirror. Right, you’re going to mostly say back to them what they’re saying and you’re not doing this just because it’s some cool technique you’re doing this to show them that you truly understand them, that you truly care and you truly understand. You understand enough to say it back to them to be sure, 100% that you’re hearing them correctly and you understand them correctly.

So, when they say something, attach an emotion to what they’re saying. Maybe they say yeah you, you took my money and you didn’t pay me back. You’re going to reflect back to them, you’re going to mirror them, but when you mirror them you need to mirror the emotion, this is also important. Don’t just exactly say what they said. Notice the emotion and say the emotion back to them. The emotion is more important than the content, then the actions, then the problem.

So if they say yeah you took money from me and you never paid me back. The money part is not really the most important part here, it’s the anger they feel about it that’s the important part.

So when you say something back to them, when you mirror back to them, include the emotions, the most important thing. So you might say, wow, you seem really angry about that. Or you could say, oh, I understand you’re really angry that I didn’t pay you back. See how easy that is, you don’t need to agree with them, maybe you don’t agree with them maybe they gave you money and you thought you didn’t need to pay it back. It wasn’t a loan it was a gift. It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree until the end of this.

You can say your part at the very end of this, but in the beginning you’re just gonna repeat back to them what they said and the emotion, the emotion, you have to include the emotion.

So you say, ah, so it seems like you’re really angry. This is a good phrase, just say, I understand you’re very angry that I didn’t pay you back, very angry that you something… or, maybe it’s not anger maybe they’re sad, maybe they’re depressed, maybe they’re upset, whatever it is just say it back.

Then, maybe they’ll continue talking, okay, and all you’re going to do is, whenever they pause you’re going to say back, repeat back to them basically what they said. Not the exact words, but a basic summary of what they said and again, very important, always focus on the feeling. So you say, okay, I understand right, you gave me $10 two weeks ago and you think that you told me that I needed to pay you back in just five days and you’re quite upset about it. You feel betrayed. You feel angry. And then ask them to confirm it don’t just assume it, because maybe you’re wrong, maybe you heard them wrong. Maybe they’re not communicating it clearly.

So, the next thing is just to ask them, is that correct? Is that correct, is that what you’re feeling?

Is that correct? Is that what you’re feeling, you are feeling. This is a very useful phrase when you get them talking, after you get them talking. Right, so step one you contact them. Step two get them talking. How do you feel about it? What’s wrong? Once they start to talk you say back to them what they said, especially their emotion. They’ll talk some more, again, you repeat back to them what they’re saying, a summary, again focusing on the emotions mostly.

And then very importantly, in this next step you’ll ask, is that right? Is that correct? Is that what you’re feeling? So you need to confirm it, maybe you’re wrong or maybe they’re feeling other things too which gives them yet another chance to explain their feelings more. They’ll talk more; yes, yes that’s right, you didn’t pay me back and I’m very, very angry.

1. Next step, you want to get them to talk about how much, how much they’re feeling this emotion.

So you might say, well, how angry are you really? Okay, this is the next important phrase, a very important phrase. How angry are you really? How afraid are you really? How sad are you really? Again, let them talk more, this’ll get them to talk even more about the anger… I’m really angry, argh. Or maybe not, if it’s a small thing they might say well, I’m not super angry, you know, I’m just a little angry. I’m just kind of upset, a little bit upset. So you let them discuss in more detail how much and get more clear about it.

1. Next step you’ll say, I see, so the reason you are angry is because, and then you explain it in detail.

So this s the final summary, right. You’ve asked them to talk about what’s wrong. Then you repeat it back to them, what they said and how they’re feeling. Then you ask, is that correct, and they talk even more about it. Then you ask them how much are you feeling that? And they talk even more about it, so now you’re really getting the full picture. So finally you want to summarize everything that they’ve said about the problem and they’re feelings, to make sure 100% that you got everything. Remember, it’s like a reservoir. It’s like a reservoir of anger, a reservoir of emotion, or fear or whatever it is and you have to drain it, you have to empty all of it.

That’s why you keep asking the question.

If they’re very angry, just letting them talk about it a little won’t be enough they’ll still feel angry.

If you just let them say yes I’m angry, you didn’t pay back the money. And you say oh, I see, you’re angry because you didn’t pay back the money. If you stop there, completely stop there its’ not enough. There’s too much anger, you haven’t gotten it all out. Some of it has come out but not all of it, you have to drain it all out that’s why you keep asking these kinds of questions again and again and again. That’s why you keep asking them for more details. That’s why you keep summarizing what they said and repeating it back to them again and say is that right?

You want them to talk more about it. This is not our natural thing, right. Mostly we want to avoid it. Our natural instinct, what most people do is they try to make the conversation fast, get it over with quickly. If the other person is showing strong emotions, strong negative emotions, if they’re crying, really sad and upset or if they’re really angry, we try to make it go away fast, but that’s the wrong thing to do. You actually want to pull it out of them even more, even more. Ah I see, hmm.

So this next step you’re gonna say, oh I see and so the reason you’re really angry is because… Number one, you gave me money and I didn’t pay you back.

Number two, you told me to pay it back in five days and I didn’t.

Number three, you feel like I ignored you.

Number four, you feel like I didn’t respect you.

And because of this you feel really angry, super angry and you feel like our friendship is not as good now. See, now you’ve given a very detailed summary about everything they said and again, focusing on the feelings.

Now, this will give them a chance to really see that you are trying to understand them right, this is where the mirroring starts to work. This is where they start to feel understood. This is usually where they’ll start to say yeah, yeah that’s right, that’s right. That’s a good sign. If they say that’s right, even if they still seem angry or sad or whatever, if they start to say yes that’s right that’s a great sign, it means they’re starting to feel understood. It means some of that negative emotion is getting out, they’re starting to feel a little better. Don’t stop!

If they want to keep talking, if it seems like there’s still emotion there, let them keep going, keep asking questions, keep saying, am I correct do I understand you? Is that right? You must feel terrible. You must feel really angry. Oh, that must have been painful, just keep repeating back the emotions to them again and again and again. Now, for someone small this can all happen very quickly, maybe each step you just do one time and it’s done. For something very big, like in our main story where it’s been 20 years, you might need to do this again and again and again and again for months’, until all of that anger is drained out. You don’t go to the next step, I’ll give that in a minute, but you do not go to the next step until the emotion is drained out, until you see that the other person is calm, completely calm.

That they feel understood completely, that they have let go of all that negative emotion, it’s all gone.

1. Only then do you go to the next step and the next step is to apologize.

This is where you finally apologize. You don’t apologize in the beginning. You apologize now after the emotion is drained out. This is when you finally say, I’m sorry I made you feel that way.

I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Or you could say, I’m sorry I hurt you so much. You could say your own version of this, but that’s all you need to do. Even if you don’t agree with them but this is a good apology right, this is an honest apology. Maybe you don’t agree still. Maybe after all of that you still don’t agree. You still think that gave you the money as a gift.

It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to apologize. You don’t have to say, I’m sorry I didn’t pay back the money, if you don’t agree. If you are sorry then say that that’s fine, but mostly wat you want to do is apologize for the feeling that you caused. So, even if you disagree about the specific details you can still feel bad that they go so angry. You can still feel bad that they became so sad. So you can say I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. So this is an honest apology you can make to someone you care about, even when you disagree about the details.

And, if any more emotion after you apologize, a little more emotion might come up again, maybe a little anger might pop up after you apologize. Well yeah, you did make me feel angry. If so, then you go back to doing what you did before, encourage more of the anger. Oh really, you still seem like you’re angry about it. Let them talk it out some more, when the emotions gone, apologize again. So really I am, I’m really sorry that I made you feel that way, and you might have to go back and forth with this part again, many times, especially if it’s a big issue.

But finally it’ll happen. Finally, finally, finally, they will accept your apology. They’ll say it’s okay or I accept your apology or they might even apologize. After all this they might finally be able to see their own responsibility. So sometimes they might say, well you know, honestly, I didn’t communicate with you. Maybe I didn’t tell you, you needed to pay back the money, I’m sorry about that. They might do that they might not it doesn’t matter. You don’t need that you’ve already forgiven them, so, you’re there to heal the relationship.

Now there’s one last step after they accept your apology. There’s one last thing you need to do and that’s the action part. Remember we talked about you need to take an action not just talk, not just words.

So the final thing is you ask them, don’t just tell them ask them. Say tell me, what needs to happen for you to feel better? What needs to happen for you to feel better? So you’re asking them for an action right? Or, you could say, what do I need to do for you to feel better? What do I need to do for you to feel better? Right, so what do I need to do? Or more generally, you can say, what needs to happen for you to feel better? Maybe you don’t need to do anything, so you could say, what needs to happen for you to feel better? You’re offering to take an action not just words.

Now, maybe they’ll say nothing. Maybe they’ll say oh no it’s fine. Nothing, it’s okay, I’m fine.

That’s good, but maybe not maybe they’ll say, well, I’d really like you to pay the money back.

Well that’s easy, you pay them the $10, it’s done.

So that’s all, that’s it. This is the process of an effective apology, effective reconciliation. Now again, as a final note, keep in mind, remember, that you might need to repeat each of these steps many, many, many times. If there’s a lot of pain, if there’s a lot of hurt, a lot of anger. If the relationship has been broken a long time, like in our main story, than you won’t be able to do this just once. It won’t be magic, 10 minutes it’s all done. No. For something very, very serious you might need to repeat this hundreds of times, this whole process. It might require you to keep doing this for weeks, maybe for months, possibly for years.

So you’re going to need repetition, and of course, you have to decide about this repetition. You have to decide how long is good enough for you. Now, in the main story it was a father and daughter. That’s a super important relationship, I think, so it’s worth trying for many, many, many months or even years, to heal that relationship it’s so important. But if it’s less important, if it’s just a co-worker, if they won’t accept your apology, maybe you for one week or two weeks, if they still will not do it, maybe at some point you just say enough. I tried my best. I really sincerely tried, they still won’t listen or accept y apology. I can’t get through to them, so I’m going to let go and move forward and not worry about it anymore.

But then you feel good. You will still feel good inside that wow, you were the leader, you were the positive leader, you made a very strong effort to fix the relationship and they chose not to, they decided not to and there’s nothing you can do. Sometimes people just will not cooperate.

Sometimes people just will not forgive. There are some angry people out there or maybe it’s a very, very serious issue I don’t know. Yeah, sometimes it’s not possible but just trying, you’re going to feel much better. I twill heal you at least.

Okay, so it’s worth trying. If it’s important to you repeat it as much as you need to.

I look forward to hearing about this. I hope that you will put some stories on Twitter, send me a message on Twitter at @ajhoge or on our VIP site or our forum. If you do this tell me, I want to hear your positive stories about healing relationships.

All right, see you next time. Good luck with this.

See you again, bye.