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15 Secrets to Confidence in Any Situation

Hello everyone and welcome back to English With Lucy.

Today I’ve got a very special guest.

This is Caroline Goyder.

• Hello.

• And Caroline, well would you like to introduce yourself?

What do you do?

• I’m now a voice coach, but for many year– Well if we go back to the late nineties I was a TEFL teacher briefly so I know this world very well.

I remember standing in front of my group of Argentinian students to teach them English

and being utterly terrified being in the spotlight.

And now I teach people how to be in the spotlight.

• Yeah so today, we wanted to talk to you about

how to be more confident in different situations.

So we’ve chosen five situations, and we’re going to tell you, or Caroline’s gonna tell you how you can feel and sound and appear more confident.

And we’re doing this to celebrate International Women’s Day and their Be Bold For Change campaign.

So where were you teaching English?

• I was teaching in Gojav in north-west Poland.

Which was fantastic but a very unlikely place to go after your TEFL training.

I loved it.

• What made you choose?

• There was a poster on the wall in my TEFL school and I just went, oh there’s a job and so I went to Poland.

It was great, I love Poland.

It’s fantastic.

• I’ve never been to Poland.

I have quite a few Polish subscribers so I’m sure they would love to hear you speak some Polish.

(speaking foreign language) - That’s one word.

There’s one word I know that’s (speaking foreign language).

• Yup that’s good that’s like your prost, that’s your drinking word.

• Piwo is a good word for beer.

• Okay.

• I’m not giving any aspersions to my time in Poland.

(laughs)

• I bet you had a great time.

And so what made you go into voice coaching then?

• Well I trained as an actor, I went to drama school and to be honest I wasn’t a great actor.

• Mhm.

• And I wanted to work in theatre but I didn’t want to act so I ended up training as a voice coach and by kinda mistake, I found a job I really really love and once I’d trained as a voice coach, I was like this is actually what I wanna do for the rest of my life, it’s a great job.

But I fell into it really by mistake.

• And how long have you been doing it now?

• Nearly twenty years.

• Wow so that’s quite,

that’s some experience there.

• Makes me feel very old. (laughs) - And I saw that you did a TED talk about confidence.

That’s actually how I found you.

And how did you get into doing a TED talk?

• Well again I mean, so often these things happen by accident.

I was coaching for TEDx in Brixton and the very brilliant curator there Stephanie said, have you got a talk in you?

And I said, yeah I think so.

So I pitched talks which is how you get into TEDx.

They took it on, I did it in 2014 and it’s had nearly three million views which is insane.

• Wow, congratulations.

• Thank you.

• That is a lot of views.

• Thank you YouTube.

• Yes thank you.

So today we’re going to talk about confidence in certain situations.

So we’ve chosen five situations for you.

We’re going to talk about being confident at parties, on dates, in presentations, in job interviews and on the telephone.

So I’m really excited about this video because so many of you have asked me to talk about presentations, public speaking, dating and now I’ve got someone extremely qualified

next to me, ready to share everything that you’ve learned throughout your career.

So let’s talk about parties first.

What insight do you have to share about feeling confident whilst meeting new people at parties?

• Well so I learned a lot about this a few years back when I was interviewing A-list actors.

Because I wrote a book which was talking to A-list actors about confidence and I would go to people like Helen Mirren and say, so tell me about confidence, thinking that they knew things, that they were confident.

They weren’t.

None of them were.

• Really?

• And one of the people who said she wasn’t confident was Helen Mirren.

Big surprise to me there.

• Yeah like the most beautiful woman ever, okay.

• So serene right?

• Yeah.

• And she said, when I have to go to a party after a show, you know actors go to

the bar after a show, they have parties before launches, all that kinda thing.

She said I get really really nervous.

And see how great tip which is the first thing you have to do is think about your body, you know, really relax your shoulders, relax your breathing, centre your voice, cause she says, I hate the way and this is a good one for Women’s Day, you know, I hate the way that when we get nervous as women, we kind of start screaming and shrieking and our voices go high.

She says, keep your voice nice and low and relaxed.

• Okay.

• So I think that’s a really good one.

Stay relaxed, relax your shoulders, centre your voice.

And then there are other tips, there’s a really good George Clooney one, which also isn’t–

• Did you meet him?

• No, I wish I had.

• Oh what a shame.

• He and Johnny Depp were the ones that got away.

(laughs)

His thing when he meets people is that he imagines everybody he meets is an old friend.

• In the way he acts and speaks with them?

• Yup.

• Interesting.

• And you can just picture his face, can’t you?

You know there’s the

muscles around our eyes that crinkle up when we’re with a friend.

• Yeah.

• It’s called a Duchenne smile.

And it just relaxes us.

• Duchenne smile, okay.

• And try it, it really works.

• So you kind of close your eyes or what do you do?

• You just imagine that you’ve bumped into an old friend and that you’re talking to them and you let your brain chemistry do the rest.

So just think about smiling, talking to an old friend and how you smile at them, that’s it and then your face relaxes, your voice relaxes, you know it’s brain chemistry.

• Amazing.

I’ve never heard a tip like that before so really good.

• So that’s number two and the third one I would say is as you walk through the door of a party just think, I’ve only got to be there for five minutes.

And this was taught me by someone who is a real introvert and she said, it was

another actor and she said, I used to really dread parties but it’s like going to the gym and I’m not a great one for going to the gym and if I say to myself, I’m only gonna go for five minutes, when I get there I’m much more likely to stay cos it’s quite fun.

If you say to yourself, I’m only gonna go five minutes and then you get there and you’ve had a drink and you’re enjoying itself, you’re gonna stay for a bit longer.

So just say even if you’re dreading it, I’m just gonna stay for five minutes and find someone, talk to them as if they’re an old friend and keep your shoulders relaxed.

And you’ll be fine.

• Your voice nice and low.

• Your voice nice and low, don’t scream.

• Yeah that’s true, I

think when I’m on camera I probably speak with a much lower voice.

And when I’m meeting new people for the first time I would definitely say it goes up a couple of tones.

So ah, I’ll be aware of that.

Okay, so another big question I get is about dating and this came up recently because I made a video

about how to say dates in English and a lot of people were excited, thinking I was gonna

teach them about dating but actually I was speaking about numerical dates.

So how can you be more confident whilst meeting someone maybe for the first time or even the second time on a date?

• So I asked a friend of mine who is brilliant at dating.

And I said, what is it

that you do and she said, well actually it’s something you taught me.

I was surprised by that and she said, you taught me years ago and this is another acting tip, that when you meet someone and you’re on a date,

what you have to do you is think and this is a real actor’s tip, you have to think I’m beautiful, someone loves me, I have a secret.

• So these are three things?

• Three things you have to think to yourself.

I’m beautiful because it kind of gives us a little spark, you know there are days when you’re not feeling like that and it just gives you a kind of sparkle.

Someone loves me which gives you, it’s brain chemistry again and it gives you a kind of warmth and a presence.

And I have a secret gives you a bit of a twinkle.

• Do you actually have to have a secret?

• It helps.

• Okay, I’ll try and think of one.

• It doesn’t have to be Wiki leaks level.

Just you know something, actors also talk about

a naughty thought.

• A naughty thought?

I have couple of those.

• That’s definitely working.

So a twinkle in the eyes and she said, it just gives me a presence.

When I’m dating or she’s going to parties as well that makes her shine and that makes people, it seems like you’re a fun person to talk to.

Whereas so often in our head, we’ve got an inner voice saying mean stuff.

• Definitely, definitely.

• We all do, we all have it.

• Before I go out for a date, I don’t date much, but when I do, I always look at myself in the mirror beforehand and I think, well that’s not right and maybe he won’t find me funny.

But I guess if I think about all the good things first.

• Exactly.

• And recognise those.

• And this relates to another acting tip that someone taught me which is that if you’re worrying about how it might go wrong,

don’t do that.

Worry about what it’ll be like when it goes right.

So if you visualise yourself on the date having fun, laughing, looking really relaxed, getting on with each other you’re gonna walk into the room much more relaxed.

And that sets a really good cycle up.

• So it’s keeping yourself positive and only thinking about all the positive parts.

Okay.

• It’s the inner game.

The inner game of dating.

Says the married woman. (laughs) - Okay what makes a good dater though?

I’m concerned for your friend, does she go on a lot or does she just do the few very well?

• She does the few very well, I should say this yes.

• Okay. (laughs)

Maybe she’s watching, hello.

• Hi Nikki. (laughs)

• So what about tip number three?

• So number three is

that when we’re on a date we feel like we have to talk and talk and talk and talk and actually you don’t.

I’d say the best daters are people who are really good at asking questions.

• And then listening, I imagine.

• And that’s a real introvert tip.

I mean I’m an introvert and if I go to a party.

I’m not dating anymore, if I go to a party.

And I meet people and I’m feeling shy I just ask loads of questions.

• Actually that’s something I learned teaching because I used to run conversation classes.

And you just have the shyest students.

But once you start asking them about themselves, they feel important and then suddenly they’ve got a lot to say.

So, I guess that’s good to avoid if you have an awkward silence which is what we dread most in dating really and meeting new people.

Asking some, having a set of good questions

prepared probably.

• Partly yes, I think

if you have two or three starter questions then really listen and just do great follow up questions.

So if they say, I really love Seville.

Say, oh great, where did you go in Seville?

And then if they say well, there’s a great tapas bar, you know, tell me about tapas, I’ve never had it.

You just follow the thread of the conversation and you just turn what they say into another great question.

• And then you show you’re engaged and that you’ve been listening which is important because sometimes you’re having a conversation with someone and you can see their eyes glaze over a little bit.

• And that’s horrible.

• Yeah it’s the worst.

• And it will kill any spark, so having to really listen because you’re gonna ask a great follow up question is really powerful because they feel that they have that connexion.

• Wonderful, thank you for those tips.

So next I’d like to ask you about public speaking and giving a presentation.

Because a lot of my subscribers are at university or they work in jobs where they’ll have to present to big groups of people in a second language,

which is a really really tough because public speaking, I find it difficult

in my own language.

And doing it in a second or even third language is tough.

So do you have any tips for my subscribers?

• That I mean that is really hard.

As you say public speaking is bad enough and doing it in a language where you don’t feel safe, where you don’t feel if you go wrong you can escape is really scary.

So the things I always say to people are firstly, if you’re doing in a language that’s not your first you’ve got to practise twice as much.

So when I talk to clients about rehearsing presentation, I’ll say to them, take your phone.

Find voice notes on your phone and record it.

• Now that is the tip I really gel with because when I speak in my second language which is Spanish, I will record myself and then I’ll listen back to it and I’ll notice loads of mistakes that I didn’t realise I made at the time.

And also you get to know it better.

• Exactly.

• But I feel a natural inclination to avoid practising . Is that something you feel as well?

• That’s human, that’s so human.

• Why’s that happen?

• We don’t want to practise because it’s kinda onerous, it feels a bit unpleasant, we don’t like hearing our own voices but you really, it’s like going to the gym again.

You know, if you wanna get fit you really have to get out there and go for a run.

It’s like before you go for a run you just have to motivate yourself to put the recorder on and practise.

And as you say when you practise you hear what’s working and hear what’s not

and you learn it.

And so I say to clients who are English, practise it three times like that if it’s important.

If English isn’t your first language I’d say you probably need to practise it six times.

For it to feel okay on the day.

• Yeah cos when you have something practised,

it kinda just comes out more easily.

So I really agree with that one.

What about tip number two?

• Tip number two is that you’ve got to get the body relaxed and prepared so it’s what I call getting the butterflies.

• You got me moving there.

• Breathing and grounding.

The butterflies have to fly in formation so you know in English we say you get butterflies in your stomach.

• Yes that’s a great idiom.

If we’re nervous and you feel that funny feeling in your tummy, we call

it having butterflies.

So you’re saying that we need to get our butterflies in formation.

• Like red arrows, like the planes that fly in formation.

• So you need to take

hold of those butterflies and channel them into something positive.

• Exactly, because the idea is I mean for performers as well, for anybody who’s on stage the adrenaline is actually a really good thing.

• Because adrenaline is a feeling that I hate.

Those nerves before a first date.

I can’t stand it, because I’m normally quite a confident person.

And I guess the feeling of feeling really nervous and the butterflies, I don’t like.

But you’re saying it’s a positive thing.

• It’s a good thing.

• Okay.

• And that’s so human,

everybody feels nervous, right.

It’s taking them and going, okay I’m feeling these butterflies, this is the feeling of my power, cause I’m gonna stand on stage and speak.

And it’s also a feeling of excitement.

Cause it’s a kind of alertness, the adrenaline, and it’s gonna make you perform better as long as you don’t say, oh no, here it comes.

Now the way that performers and athletes are taught to do this, it’s a lot about how you ground yourself and how you breathe.

So I’d say to anybody,

before you do something like a speech, don’t spend three hours checking your email or playing a game.

Do something calming.

Yoga, go for a run, go

for a swim, sit quietly, meditate if that’s your thing.

Create calm because then when the adrenaline hits your state is calm.

And so then you channel it.

If we’re too wired, if we’ve had four cups of coffee and we’ve talked to all our friends on the phone and we’ve answered four emails and we’ve Whatsapped, you know all of that, we’re not gonna handle the adrenaline.

So get quiet.

Get into the body and then you’ll be alright when the butterflies hit.

You’ll get them flying in formation.

• Wonderful.

Okay and what about the third tip then.

• The final tip is when you walk out on stage,

when you face the audience, you have to see them

as old friends.

So it’s a bit like the George Clooney tip.

And what I do when I have an audience is I’ll spend a little bit of time at the beginning before the show goes up as it were, before the show starts, before I speak, I’ll go and talk to people in the audience and I’ll find out from maybe three people what they want, why have they come today, what are they interested in.

If I can’t do that, I’ll actually ask the audience on stage does anybody have any questions.

• I saw you do this in your TED talk.

And I thought it was a really interesting thing to do because I haven’t seen

anyone else do it before.

And so that’s interesting to know the reasoning behind it.

And how does make you feel when you speak to the people?

• So for me as an introvert, what’s scary is feeling that everybody’s looking at me.

That’s a horrible feeling.

But if I’m curious about the audience, if I’m thinking how

can I help the audience get what they want I’m not thinking about me anymore and then I’m in what’s called a flow state and then it’s just like having a chat.

It’s just like us sitting here now having a chat.

That’s how you wanna be on stage, it just happens there’s a thousand people in front of you.

(laughs)

And if you’ve spoken to a few of those people

you have a sense of why they’re there and then you forget yourself.

• And you have a role, a purpose, it’s not just you being on stage, look at me, yay.

• I couldn’t speak if I thought it was about me.

But when I stepped up for the TEDx, it wasn’t about me.

It was about helping the audience get something useful.

• Wonderful.

Thank you for those, I think those ones are particularly useful especially for me, because public speaking is something that I’m having to do more and more nowadays.

I did my first panel the other day and I just found that everyone was an old timer on it and I was the first new person and I did find it a little bit traumatic.

And I definitely could’ve channelled my adrenaline, my butterflies much more efficiently.

• Go for a run or do some yoga or something beforehand.

• That’s a good idea, because I went for the coffee.

• Don’t have the coffee.

• No I’ll ditch the coffee.

Green tea and a run.

• Lots of water.

• Right so another thing I get, lots of people are studying English,

they’re trying to get exams to then be able to get a job.

So they want English qualifications to then be able to get a better job.

And obviously they’ll have to do a job interview so that’s something I get asked about quite a lot.

Do you have any tips for those people?

• Yes and I spend quite a lot of time with people thinking about job interviews.

Because they’re horrible aren’t they.

• They’re the worst.

• Just they’re evil.

So there are tips and tricks to help you get over that feeling of being watched because I think the first thing to say is you are in a job interview and you really are being observed.

• Absolutely, every inch of you.

• There’s no way,

which is is quite a hideous feeling so you firstly just have to get yourself nice and calm and centred.

And I think that’s something again, before you walk into the room, think about not how am I looking, but what is it that they’re looking for.

And there’s an actor’s tip around when you walk into the room, just to try and help them find the right person for the job.

Or find the right person for the course.

You are helping them make a choice.

It’s not about a judgement on you, it’s about helping them think clearly.

And when you flip your attention out onto what they’re trying to do, it takes you into compassion and it takes you out of help, everybody’s looking at me, everybody’s judging me.

• Oh so you change your perspective slightly.

I like that, definitely, because you know you might not be the right person for the job.

• [Caroline] And that’s okay.

• And that’s something you have to accept and that might make rejection a little bit easier as well.

I always think if there’s somebody I like, and they don’t like me back, I always try and think, well it wouldn’t have worked anyway because I wasn’t the right person.

So if we apply that to the job interview situation.

• It’s the same thing.

• Yeah and that improves your confidence going forward.

• [Caroline] Exactly.

• So what about tip number two then?

• So breathing is really important in an interview.

• Breathing?

• Yup, you know you get a horrible question, don’t you, think of the moment when someone asks you a really horrible question.

• The worst one for me would be describe your weakness or something like that.

I hate that question but they ask it all the time.

They want to see how you respond, so you say that I should breathe.

• Remember to breathe, now okay, so how you breathe is important.

Because what most of us do when a really horrible question comes is we breathe here, we go (gasp).

It’s a bit extreme but it’s a chest breath that’s happening.

That breath is not helping you.

What you want to do is breathe into your back.

So if you notice your back ribs, just kind of feel your back ribs.

And notice that if you breathe out, do a little kind of blowing out birthday candles breath.

And then wait for the breath in.

And then just think about breathing into the back, exactly.

• It’s softer.

• It’s calmer.

• It relaxes your shoulders as well.

• It’s relaxing you and it’s making you seem calm under pressure which is when people give you a job because you seem calm under pressure.

So breathe into your back and the tip, the secret is imagine a lovely smell.

• Oh okay.

Luckily you smell great, so that’s easy to imagine.

(laughs)

• That’s always useful to know.

• Sorry guys you can’t

smell her but she’s lovely.

Right so what about the third tip then?

• So the third tip is a very serious one.

It comes from the one of the economics editors on BBC Radio Today, BBC Four’s Radio Today which is the Breakfast

Show on BBC Radio Four which is worth listening to.

And the guy there who was the economics editor is a chap called Simon Jack and I asked him for the second book which is called Gravitas.

What he sees in good CEOs that he interviews, when they come on air on Radio Four.

And he said the thing they all do is they set out their stool.

When they answer a question, they don’t launch straight into it.

They’ll say something like, so Simon, three points.

• Ah, okay.

So they’ll kind of introduce, say what they were going to say and then say it in ordered manner.

• Exactly.

• See I get a bit of a

panic, I’ll try and give as much information as I possibly can to try and appear knowledgeable about the topic.

But you’re saying it’s

better to just prioritise and order.

• Exactly.

• Okay.

• I mean if the question’s easy then you probably don’t have to do this but it is when the question’s tricky and you go into brain freeze, it’s that moment of three things and it forces you to structure.

• And so you need that breath to think about the order as well.

So tip two and three go together quite nicely.

• They’re synchronised, exactly.

• Okay very interesting.

Right, the last topic that we’re going to cover today is talking on the telephone.

Because my students really really struggle with listening in English.

When they do their exams, I’m sure you’ve seen this as well.

Speaking will be quite high, reading and writing will be really high, but listening is always the bit that they struggle on and it’s because you can’t read the lips, you can’t read the body language and also the voice on the telephone gets a bit distorted so how can my students feel more confident on the telephone because it’s an essential part of life.

• Telephone calls are hard aren’t they.

The whole thing that we can’t see the other person.

• You can’t see their reaction so you don’t know whether they like what you’re saying.

• It’s tricky.

The first tip for calls is another actor tip and it was an actress called Anna Massey who’s no longer with us, she’s died sadly, but she said, when I’m on the phone to someone, I picture them sitting on the sofa, bit like this.

Sitting at home and even if I haven’t met them, I imagine what they look like and it’s a nice imagination tip.

It helps you kind of tune into that person and be curious and I do this even with corporate clients.

If I’m talking to someone I imagine where they’re sitting, what they’re wearing, what they might look like so that I engage with them as a real person rather than a strange disembodied voice.

So visualise the person you’re talking to is the first one.

• Okay I like that.

And then you can kind of imagine their body language anyway and try and listen to their voice and work out what they’re feeling in response to what you’re saying.

• Exactly, it forces us to really pay attention which is nice.

• Yes so you don’t miss anything.

• So the second tip is more of a speaking tip in a way because it’s something that partly comes from my TEFL teaching, you know, years ago was that one of the things that when we’re speaking English and it’s something I think you talk about as well.

That helps us as listeners is emphasis.

• Okay.

• And the iambic,

English has what’s called an iambic pentameter which is like Hamlet.

You know if you think of, to be or not to be that is the question.

There’s a kind of dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum.

• There’s the rhythm, yes.

• And lots of languages as you know, Spanish doesn’t have that, it’s a different kind of rhythm.

So when you’re speaking on the phone if you really hit the nouns and the verbs in particular, the meaning words.

You give them a little bit of punch.

You can actually punch the words as you’re talking if they can’t see you.

So hi my name is Caroline, we’re going to be talking about emphasis.

I’m hitting with my hand the important words.

If they’re on the phone they won’t know, just as long as they don’t forget they’re on a Skype call.

• Yeah don’t do it on Skype.

• That was like me with my Podcast the other day.

Really embarrassing moment, I was on a Podcast interview and I thought it was just audio.

So I was sat there in my dressing down, a bathrobe until I re-read the email ten minutes before and realised it was being filmed.

So, very embarrassing.

• Modern life.

• Yeah but luckily I wasn’t punching out the words.

But I should do that if I’m on the telephone.

• If they’re on the telephone you can do anything.

Pretty much.

• Great and what’s your final tip?

And the final tip of today actually.

• The final tip, the final tip of today is if you are nervous about a call, if you need to make a great impression, stand up.

• Stand up?

Okay, I always see my dad doing that.

My dad is a managing director and he’s always marching around the house on the phone.

I thought it was because he has bad knees but maybe it’s because it makes him feel more confident.

• It’s powerful, I mean maybe the bad knees as well but it’s also, you know it powers up your voice, it’s easier to have a powerful voice when you’re standing.

It gives you more energy, it helps you feel more relaxed.

It helps you breathe.

And it makes you sound better simply.

• Okay, yeah I actually find myself naturally wanting to stand up and go and look out of a window or something whilst I’m on the telephone.

So yeah I can see that working.

• And there’s a final tweak to that which is what voiceover artists do.

You know if you’re voicing over a movie like sing or something, they gesture.

So they’ll be standing in a voiceover studio and they go crazy with gestures because what they know is that gesture orchestrates the intonation of the works.

So if my hands are high, my voice goes high, if my hands are low, my voice goes low.

So stand up, hold the receiver to one ear or get yourself on speaker phone and wave your arms about and you will …

To match what you’re saying, not just randomly, but it will give you more power, more energy and you’ll be easier to listen to.

• Wonderful, really really good tips.

Thank you very much.

And actually if anyone who wants to take their telephone English a bit further, Caroline has got an audio course all about having confidence while speaking on the telephone and it’s absolutely free.

So if you’re interested in that, then there is the link in the description box and you can check that out.

Well Caroline, it was a pleasure to have you on today.

Thank you so much, I feel like I’ve learned loads.

I hope you guys have learned a lot as well.

If you’re interested in hearing more from Caroline, then all of her information and social media is in the description box and you can also go and look at her TED talk

which has three million views now.

Amazing, she’s beat me on the views for that one.

(laughs)

So yes, thank you very very much for being my guest today.

• My pleasure, thank you.

• And remember be bold for change and make a change in your life and be more confident.