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Small Talk Mastery – Commentary

Hello, this is AJ, welcome to the commentary for this months’ lesson. Let’s bring all of these ideas together to give you a plan, a plan to master small talk, especially introductions.

So, let’s remember first there are three key small talk questions. You will hear these questions again and again and again in your English conversations. They’re the three most common, so you need to give good answers not just boring stock answers. What are the three questions, of course…?

Number 1, how are you? How are you?

You might hear some variation of this such as, how ya doing? What’s up? They all mean the same thing, it means how are you?

Question number 2, where are you from?

When you meet new people, especially because you are probably from a different culture. If you’re traveling in America you may obviously be a foreigner and people will ask you, where are you from? Where are you from? But even in America with native speakers we ask each other, where are you from? Where are you from?

Question number 3, what do you do? What do you do?

This question means, what is your job? What do you do for work is what it means? Some people might ask, what’s your job? Where do you work? Again, these are variations of the same question, what do you do?

Here’s the good news, these questions are very, very predictable. You know people will definitely ask you these questions. Okay, no surprise, so that means it’s easy to prepare for new conversations, because they’re so predictable and most people are so automatic that you will get the same exact questions again and again and again. What that means is you can prepare, you won’t be surprised. You can prepare and you can practice very interesting answers to these three questions.

Now, why would you do this? Well, many people are kind of shy about starting conversations. I understand, I’m a little shy about it, quite honestly. If I don’t know people. If I’m at a party or something, I can be kind of shy about just talking to people I don’t know so that’s a common problem for many people. But to meet people we need to overcome the shyness. Some people, they just don’t know what to say. I get this comment a lot on Twitter, for example, people… oh, what do I say, I don’t know what to say? Well, by practicing these three questions you’ll know what to say in the beginning of almost any conversation, so it’s great. It will make that shyness much less.

Another common problem, many people complain that it’s hard to connect with native speakers. It’s hard to make friends with native speakers, with Americans, with Canadians, Australians, etc.

Well this will help. This will help you create a faster connection with people. When you just do the automatic stock conversation. Hi, how are you? I’m fine. There’s no connection it’s just so automatic, nobody really cares. But if you give interesting answers you create better conversations and more connection. That means more friendships. I know you want to have longer conversations in English. For one thing, by having longer conversations you get more practice so it’s good for your English. But having longer conversations, more interesting conversations also creates better connection. It means you’ll get more friends, you’ll make friends with other English speakers.

And you want to feel totally confident when you speak English, especially with someone new, especially when meeting a new person. That’s the time when you’re most nervous, when you don’t know the other person at all. So by mastering small talk you will feel very confident any time you have a new conversation, any time you meet a new person.

So how, how do you do it? Let’s create a formula, a simple formula you can use to answer these common questions and really, for any questions, any kind of new small talk conversation. Here’s the formula…

Sentence one, you’ll have a long answer.

So you want to have about, I would say, about four to five sentences for each answer, for each question. So how are you? Don’t just say fine, that’s just one word, that’s a bad answer. It’s super boring, no connection. Instead, if someone says how are you? You answer with four or five sentences, full sentences. The first sentence answers the question in an interesting way. So sentence one of your answer will directly answer the question, but in an interesting way not the usual way, not the boring way.

If someone says how are you? You don’t say fine you say I’m fantastic because I just finished a big report and I’m so happy about it. Or, awe I feel so relaxed, I just got a massage it was wonderful. Right, it doesn’t matter what it is, but see it’s a full sentence, so it’s interesting. You’re not just saying fine or good, those are too common. In fact, even if it’s a little negative that’s okay too if you’re not feeling good, maybe you’re tired. But again, you need to be emotional with your answer so you’ll say oh, I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I just ran 10 miles or I just finished a long day at work, it was fun but so difficult.

So see you’re giving some details in that beginning not just one word, you’re using bigger, more emotional words and you’re giving full sentences, so you’re giving more details. That’s sentence one of your answer.

Then, two to three more sentences to elaborate on why, on why, the reasons for your answer.

So let’s use the massage example. So you say, I feel really relaxed because I just got a massage. That’s sentence one, you answer the question in an interesting way. Then a couple more sentences to elaborate, right, to give more details. And in the second part of your answer, these additional two to three sentences this is where you talk about your reasons, about what’s important to you.

Let me give you an example. I feel really relaxed because I just had a massage. You know, I work very hard, working hard is important to me because I care about my students so much, but I realize that I need to also relax so that I can get back my energy and serve my students better. See, I’m elaborating on why. Why is being relaxed important? Right, why is it important? I’m bringing in my values. In that answer I talked about, you know, serving my students, of helping my students, so that’s showing my value, something that’s important to me that’s a little more deep. That’s much more interesting than just saying, I’m fine. Right, so in part two of your answers for all these questions you’re going to talk about why, about your values, about your motivations for things, the reasons for doing things, what’s important to you.

All right, let’s talk about some principles.

Principle one I mentioned already, use strong words.

Fine is a weak word. How are you? I’m fine. It’s just so-so, there’s no energy, no emotion in that word, so use bigger, more energetic words. Say I’m fantastic! Or you could say I’m energetic! Enthusiastic words. Also use more detailed words, fine is not detailed it’s very general. Nobody knows what you mean. You say I’m fine. What does that mean? I don’t know. Are you relaxed? Are you happy? Are you excited? I don’t know it’s too general, so be more specific. I’m excited. I’m very relaxed and happy. I feel absolutely wonderful. These kinds of things, so emotional words and/or detailed words.

For the job question, what do you do? Use an interesting job description. Imagine you’re explaining your job to a five-year old child. Okay, so don’t use your official job title, because it’s going to be boring. Even me, I don’t like to say I’m an English teacher that’s so boring. Right, I do much more than just teach English like a normal English teacher. So I usually say something like, I’m an international English coach. I’m an international English speaking coach, something like that right? It’s more interesting it’s not just the usual. It’s not a stock answer.

And when I use that answer then people are more curious right? Whoa, what’s that, what do you mean? It’s not a normal answer. It’s not a normal job description, so people want to know more. You can do this too with any, any job doesn’t matter. With your answers you want to add details. You want to add emotions and reasons to every one of your answers to every sentence. And also, sometimes, I mentioned in the video you can use bait.

What’s bait? Bait is an unexplained detail. You don’t explain it. You want them to be curious. You want them to ask you more questions. So if I say I’m an international English speaking coach that’s a kind of bait right, because it sounds interesting, it gives a general idea about what I do but it’s also not completely clear. Most people don’t know what that means, an English coach. What do you do? What do you do exactly? That’s what people usually ask me. What’s an English coach, what do you mean? Right, so on purpose, I’m purposely consciously making the answer a little mysterious, a little vague so it’s interesting but it also makes people curious. That’s the best kind of answer if you can do it.

Let me give you some examples. I think examples will help you the most, then you will do this for yourself. All right let’s use someone who’s a housewife, someone who’s at home with children, they don’t have a job okay.

So maybe question one, how are you? Now the normal answer might be, oh I’m okay. I’m a little tired. But a better answer would be something like, oh I’m exhausted because I’ve been playing with my two two-year old children and then I had to take my eight-year old son to baseball practice and I had to take my 12-year old daughter to dance and oh my gosh, they are so busy. I love watching them. I love playing with them, but I am tired. See that’s a much longer answer. They are elaborating right? There’s a lot of details in there that are interesting. So people might ask, oh wow, how many children do you have? What, you have two two-year olds? There’s lots of little details in there that are interesting, kind of like bait that people might be curious about. It’s also more emotional it’s not just, I’m okay, I’m a little tired. It’s strong, I’m exhausted.

Next question, what do you do? What do you do? So the boring answer, the normal answer would be, I’m a housewife. Short and boring. A better answer would be something like, I’m a mom to five fantastic kids. I love being with them every day because they are so creative and so innocent.

So see in that answer she’s talking about her values. Like why, why does she like being a mom? Well, she loves being with her children. She loves their creativity. She loves their innocence. See, much more interesting and also again, a little more bait, I have five kids. Oh wow, you have five kids? That’s interesting.

And finally, where are you from? Where are you from? So the boring answer would be, I’m from Indiana. That’s a state in the United States. But a better answer would be something like, I live in a small town in Indiana. My grandmother, my mom, my aunt, uncles and cousins all live in the same town. I like the peacefulness of a small town and I love having all of my family nearby, because family’s important to me.

So again it’s a long answer, which is good because it’s far more interesting. There’s lots of little details in there, right. It’s a small town. All these family members, the peacefulness of a small town, so there are values too, the reasons why. Why does she live in a small town? Why does she like being there? Ah, because of family, because family is important to her. That’s one of her values. Because it’s peaceful, she likes a quiet life. That’s another value.

See, again, there’s lots of information in there that might be interesting to someone, little details that people can ask questions about.

All right, quickly I’ll give you my own personal answers, and example.

If I’m feeling very social, I want to connect with people I might say something like… so how are you? I might say I’m fantastic! I just finished skateboarding. I love being outdoors because it makes me feel both relaxed and energized. Again, that’s much better than saying, I’m fine.

Where are you from? I might say, well, I live in Osaka, Japan and I also live part-time in America. I enjoy the contrast between Japan and the United States. In Japan I love the food and I love the incredibly kind people. And when I’m in America I like being close to my family.

See, that’s quite a long answer. People will not expect that long answer, but what’s good is, that long answer will make people curious. When you give the normal short answer people’s brains they just turn off right. It’s just automatic, so you say where are you from? I’m from Georgia and they just say oh okay that’s nice. They don’t really respond, there’s no interest but when you give long answers with details, with emotion, with values then there’s lots of stuff in there that makes them interested.

And again, I gave the example, what do you do? So my boring answer would be, I’m an English teacher. And again, people say oh okay. But if I say I’m an international English speaking coach. You know how in school you tried to learn a language, it was so difficult? Well, I help people from other countries speak English fluently, so that they can work, travel and communicate internationally. I love travel myself, so I love meeting and working with people from so many countries.

That would be a great answer. It’s quite long. Lots of details, talks about my values. I like travel. I like meeting people from different countries. Lots of good stuff in there, lots of interesting stuff that will create more interest and connection.

Okay it’s your turn. So again, to summarize the points, for each of these common questions, these three small talk questions, you need to give two to five sentences for your answers. Make them long.

Your answers need to be interesting and emotional, positive emotions are best. In general, you want to be positive, but interesting and emotional.

And number two, each of your answers should include details right, the reasons for your answer. Your values, just go on and on, ramble, talk for a long time about what’s important to you and why.

Okay, so let me give you your homework, in a way, your actions for this month.

I want you, this month, to write, write your answers for each of the small talk questions. Three to five sentences for each one.

How are you? Where are you from? What do you do?

So write out your answers. By writing your answers you can take your time, you can improve it, write it and then look at it again and then change things and make your answers really good.

When you like all three answers. They’re nice and long, they’re good, when you think they’re great next, practice your answers many times. You can look in the mirror and practice giving answers to each of those questions. How are you? And then you give your long answer. Where are you from? Give your long answer. What do you do? Give your long answer. Say your long answer out loud again and again and again so that you get used to it so you remember your long answer, so your long and interesting answer becomes automatic.

Next is the fun part. Record yourself on video with a webcam giving your answers to these three questions. Record yourself. Make a video. Record yourself answering these three questions, giving your long and interesting answers.

Then, put your video on YouTube and send the link to me. Send your video link to me on Twitter. My Twitter is ajhoge, it’s just my name. Twitter.com/ajhoge; ajhoge. Send me your video link on Twitter and then I will retweet it. I will send it to all of my followers and then maybe you can make some new friends with your introduction video. Thousands of people will see your introduction video. Many of my other students and friends and people, so this is a great way to introduce yourself to many people all around the world, make some international friends. So make that video, send the link to me on Twitter.

That’s it. I look forward to seeing your videos myself and sharing them with other people. Let’s create a great, positive, fantastic Effortless English community around the world.

Good luck. See you soon.