درسنامه اصلی

Sharks – Coaching Lesson

Hi, this is AJ, welcome to this month’s topic. This month continuing with a theme we discussed a bit last month, which is the theme of fear. Now this month we talked about sharks. A scary topic for some people. It reminds me in general of the topic of powerful fears, especially irrational fears. Y’know, sometimes it’s the irrational fears, those deep irrational fears, that are the most difficult to handle.

If you have a fear about something that, or a worry about a problem in life, something, oh what if this happens. Now that can cause a lot of problems. But in some ways it’s a little easier to deal with because if there’s a problem, then you should be able to figure out a solution in your mind and then let go of that fear more easily.

But what about irrational fears? I’ll give you an example in my own life. I used to be terrified, terrified, of heights, of high places. And not just super high places, I mean just a little bit high. That’s a very irrational fear in many ways. Y’know, certainly to be afraid of something that’s very, very high and you’re on the edge of a mountain and you could fall and die, that’s a logical fear. But my fear was beyond that. It was irrational, terrifying, even of just a little bit high, y’know, a little, maybe 10 meters high or more, I would become terrified. Even if I wasn’t right on the edge.

It started at a young age for me. And I didn’t know what to do about it. I couldn’t get rid of it. Now I can kind of remember when it started, or at least I think I know when it started. Because I have this very, very, very early image in my mind, a memory, of a very tall bridge, like a bridge that kind of went up really, really, really tall.

And I have this memory in my mind of my family, mom and dad in the front seat, me and my sister in the back, and we’re driving. And then we start going up this really tall bridge in Florida. And I can remember that my mom was afraid. She was afraid of that bridge, right? Because it was so tall and so steep, she found it afraid. And I think, because I realized my mom was afraid, that it created fear in me. I don’t know exactly if that’s the case but I think that’s the moment I became terrified of heights.

Now this continued through most of my life. I can remember as a child, so maybe, let me think, it would probably be about 8 years, 8 or 9 years old, I can remember my group of friends playing and they had a treehouse. So they would climb trees sometimes. Not very tall, actually, maybe just…I’m trying to think in meters, so it probably would be about 10 feet up, so maybe 4 meters high, y’know, to climb up into this little platform.

So I can remember all my friends climbing up and playing and I would be at the bottom of the tree looking up. And I can remember like grabbing one little ladder, one little step, and then going up to the second one and starting to be afraid already. And then going one more…and this intense terrifying feeling just

starting inside my body, y’know, just every…all my muscles getting tense. My breathing getting quick. All those normal adrenaline fear reactions. Terrified. And I could not go higher.

And it was really this kind of sad experience for me because all my friends are up in the tree. “AJ, come on up. Come on, come and play. Come up.” And I would just be frozen, unable to go higher. Again, this was not really a dangerous height or anything. And anytime my friends played in the treehouse, it was so sad. I’d be stuck at the bottom of the tree, looking up, talking to them. They’re playing and having fun and I’m at the bottom of the tree, like yelling up to them, “What are you doing?” It’s kind of sad, y’know?

Funny memory, actually. Now, as I said, this continued my whole life, this…not just fear but terror involving high places, any situation with heights. And eventually I decided I have to do something about this. I’ve got to change this. Actually, this was just a few years ago, not…not so long ago. A few years ago, several years ago, I got in my mind I want to change this fear. I’ve got to at least make it more normal.

Y’know, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and even afraid in high places, in fact, it’s probably intelligent, but not as much as I was. It was very irrational, very deep, terrifying. And I finally researched and I found a psychological technique to use to get rid of these kind of phobias and intense irrational fears. And I used it on myself.

I did it one time, I don’t know, nothing seemed to change so I did it again and again and again and again, like every night I would do this technique once or sometimes more than one time. And eventually I started thinking, I don’t know, I think maybe it worked but I have no idea because I’m on the ground right now in my bed trying this little mental technique.

So I was in Indonesia and I decided I’m going to go canyoning. Canyoning is when you go through a canyon. It’s like they’ve got these steep cliffs. They go down to like a stream or a river. And you have a rope and you’re at the top and then you go down. You go down. It’s also called…we called it rappelling in English. I think the Brits call it abseiling or something like that. Anyway, we call it rappelling, so basically you’re at the top of a big cliff or a mountain. You have a rope and then you go down the mountain.

Well, I got up to the top and I was at the top and I was right on the edge, I was holding on to the rope. It was connected to my body and then I looked over the edge and there’s this huge drop down. And I did, I felt fear. Of course, I felt fear. But then something interesting happened. Instead of the normal terror and paralysis, which is what usually happened, where I would just…like this…freeze. And then I would say, “I’m not going. I’m not going. No, I’m done. Let me out of here.” And I would just try to escape.

Instead of that, I felt a little calmness enter my body. And I had a thought in my head that said breathe deeply. So, I was like okay…and so then I just, I started focusing on breathing more deeply, more deeply, and I could feel the fear lessen. Did it totally disappear? No. I was still afraid. But I was not totally paralyzed and terrified anymore. And I was able to calm down, listen to the guide, and then I went down the rope.

And on that same trip, I did that several times with very, very high places. And I was just so excited and happy with myself that I faced those big tall, y’know, cliffs and went down them, rappelled down them on the rope, sometimes in waterfalls with water and everything. I was really proud of myself for facing that fear. And then I managed, somehow, to reprogram my brain to be less afraid of heights.

Will I become a rock climber now? No, I still don’t like heights a lot but it was a big improvement for me. The point of this, what I learned is that fears can be changed, even intense fears, even terrifying fears can be changed, at least lessened. And I’m sure if I kept doing this technique every day, if I was really committed to it, it was super important to me, I could probably get rid of that fear even more. I don’t really need to be in high places in my life so it’s not a super important thing for me but I’m glad I did it.

So how did I do this? What is this technique? The first thing you need to understand is that when we have a fear, especially an irrational fear, we typically have some kind of internal mental movie. Sometimes it’s a picture and sometimes it’s actually a movie with moving people or moving action inside of it. But there’s something in your brain, if you closed your eyes and you thought of your fear, any fear you have, especially a strong fear, then there’ll be some kind of mental movie.

Now, that movie will have a soundtrack so there’ll be sound in the movie. And, of course, there’ll be feeling, some body feeling, a physical sensation. Some people are more visual so they actually see that movie or picture very clearly in their mind but maybe the sound’s not so strong. Other people are more auditory, meaning that when they close their mind and they imagine this fear, it’s the sound that is stronger rather than the visual. And for other people it’s…are more physical…it’s some tension or feeling or vibration in their body that’s the strongest thing.

But the point is, all three are usually present in some way, in some amount. Whenever you have some strong emotion and in this case, especially with a strong fear. The good news is you can change the fear by changing the movie. This is the technique I used to change my complete terror of heights into more of a mild fear.

And it’s the technique you can use with any fear you have in life, whatever it is. Maybe it’s the fear of talking to a boy or a girl that you like. Maybe it’s the fear of starting your own business. Maybe it’s the fear of a job interview. Maybe it’s the fear of speaking English. I don’t know what it is. You’ve got one, maybe more. You can use this technique to improve this fear, to make it less strong.

It’s easy to do and you can do it right now and you can do it every day or every night. It only takes a few minutes. So let’s do it. Let’s do it right now and then you’re going to do it every day this month with a fear of your choosing.

How do you do it? Number one, choose your fear. Choose a big one and choose one that you would like to lessen or get rid of completely. Number two, you need to see the movie. What is the fear movie that you have? So I’ll give you the example of heights. So if I…I close my eyes and this is the first step. I had to think about what’s my fear? What am I afraid of? What’s creating this fear?

So, well, what did I do if I…when I make myself afraid of height, if I’m going to imagine it, the first thing I do is close my eyes and what? I imagine myself in a high place, right? That’s the logical thing. And then I…and then I started looking. What is…what’s in the movie in my mind that’s making me afraid? And I realized that for me I’m always right at the edge and then I start to fall. It’s always the…it was this image and this feeling of being at the edge of a high place and then falling over.

In my movie I didn’t really see myself go all the way to the bottom and hit and die. It was just that beginning part of falling off the edge and, of course, realizing I was going to die. So this was the movie I was creating in my mind about high places. Of course, I was afraid. Now I’m a more visual person so my movie, the sound wasn’t so important for me.

But it did have a physical part. It had this kind of vibrating, almost sick feeling in my chest and my stomach, when I imagine this visual image in my mind, I can feel, ugh, my throat would tighten and my stomach would feel a little sick and this kind of weird vibration in my chest. So that was my movie. That was my fear movie for high places.

You need to figure out what’s your fear movie. So think about the situation you’re afraid of, whatever it is. Close your eyes and examine it. What is it? What do you see when you think about that scary thing, when you think about that fear, what actually are you seeing? What’s the image in your mind? Is it a picture? Is it moving?

As you examine that, listen. Do you create sounds? Are people talking to you in your fear movie? Are there other kinds of sound effects or sounds that are happening, that are scary to you? And what about

the feelings then? As you look at that fear movie, as you bring that fear up in your mind and make yourself afraid, what do you notice in your body? Where do you feel the fear?

People feel fear and other emotions in different parts of their body. Like I said, I felt it in my throat, my chest and my stomach, different feelings. You might feel it in different places but notice where and how. That’s step two. Now you’ve got your movie. You understand it. It’s clear to you.

Number three, we’re going to change that movie now to something a little more successful. So now just instead of like for…instead of seeing failure and something awful and terrible that makes you afraid, change the ending of the movie so that something good happens.

Again, I’ll give you an example that I used for heights. So instead of seeing myself falling, which is not a happy thing to see, I just imagined myself on a rope and I imagined myself rappelling down the mountain and getting to the bottom and then going “Yay! I did it!” And being happy and proud that I had actually gone down the mountain successfully. I chose this image because I was planning to go rappelling so I wanted to imagine the actual real situation I would face and see a positive outcome.

You need to do the same so let’s imagine you have a fear of rejection. You’re afraid to go up and talk to some girl or some boy or some guy or woman, whatever, that you might like. And maybe in your fear movie you go and you see them laughing at you or walking away or whatever. Well, you need to change that movie and instead see them smile and say, “Oh, hi, nice to meet you.” Something really simple like that. You don’t have to make it super successful and crazy, just a really minor success is fine. Whatever it is.

Y’know, if you’re afraid of swimming in the ocean because a shark might come up and eat you, then instead see yourself swimming in the ocean and a friendly dolphin comes, I don’t know, something like that. Or you just swim in the ocean and nothing happens at all. So that’s step three, you change it to a successful movie, a realistic successful movie. It doesn’t have to be a huge success, just something that’s not scary. Okay, now you’ve got that new movie in your mind. See it, hear it and feel it.

Final step, this is the easy part. The final step is you’re going to see that success movie now and you’re just going to play it fast. So you’re going to close your eyes. So, for me, it was I saw myself at the top of the cliff, on the rope, and then I saw myself going down it…down the rope, getting to the bottom and celebrating. That was my little success movie.

So you’re going to do the same thing. You start at the beginning, you see the little success happen, and then the end. Now in this step, step four, you’re going to play that movie fast, faster than normal speed.

So instead of it happening at normal speed, start at the beginning and have it play really fast, like it’s a videotape or a video and you’re playing it fast forward. So close your eyes, see it happening really fast. Done.

Then when it finishes, imagine you’re going to rewind it. You’re going to go backwards, again, fast. So you push the button in your mind and then you see it happening all backwards. So in my case, I saw it…I saw myself at the bottom on the rope and then I saw myself going up, up, up the cliff and then now I’m at the top. Again, fast forward so it’s fast up. Then start again. See yourself, play it from the beginning. It happens really fast. Pause, and then play it backwards really fast, back to the beginning. So forward and back, forward and back, forward and back at fast speed.

You do that 4, 5, 6, 10 times and then you add the final step. Now you see that same movie. Imagine it’s a screen in your mind but make it smaller. So push it away from you. So instead of it being right in your face, move it back so that it’s a smaller screen in your mind. It’s the same exact movie, the same little success movie, but now it’s small. And then repeat it again. Play your little movie forward from the beginning to the end, fast, and then backwards, fast, forward, fast, backwards, fast, forward and backwards, fast, fast, fast, fast on this little screen in your mind. Again and again and again, 10 times or more.

That’s the process. You can use this every day. You probably need to repeat this every day or every night. You can do it while you’re in bed. But repeat it every day, y’know, depends on the fear but maybe every day for one week. If it’s a really deep fear, you might need to do this every day for one month. But after doing this again and again and again, you will notice that the fear is less powerful. Possibly the fear will disappear completely. If it doesn’t disappear completely, keep doing it for another month. Eventually it will. Cool.

It works. Do it. Try it this month and tell us what happens. The benefits to you: number one, you’ll lessen or remove a powerful fear from your life. Number two, you’ll gain more control over your fear. You’ll realize that you are not the slave to fears but, in fact, you can control them and change them through the power of your mind. And three, you can use this on any fear you have, any situation, it doesn’t matter.

Get out there and change those fears and I will see you next month. Bye for now.