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Dating – Coaching Lesson

A couple of weeks ago, I was on my Twitter account looking at the messages that I get on Twitter, the replies, and I had several messages asking for my advice about dating. I mentioned this in the conversation, right, from men, young men. And this is something that happens, y’know, occasionally but often enough that it’s quite interesting to me and I really did think about it. I’m like, why?

Y’know, I’m an English teacher, okay? So teaching English and yeah, of course, I do teach about success and other topics, of course. But I never talk about dating. I really never give advice about dating or relationships or women or anything like that, so I just started asking myself why? Why do I keep getting these questions from young men? Sometimes about dating, sometimes about relationships, maybe young men who are recently married even or have a girlfriend, asking for my advice.

And I’ve always kind of ignored them, honestly. I’ve always ignored these questions because I just felt like, well, I don’t know. I don’t really want to focus on that topic, okay? But I’ve changed my mind a little bit. I’m still not going to give a lot of dating advice, it’s just not my specialty. But on the other hand, I started to think about myself back at that age, y’know, in my 20s, when I was a teenager and when I was in my 20s. And all of the terrible problems I had dating and trying to understand woman and attract women and figure out. And it was miserable, miserable.

And then I started to think about it and I realized, well, yeah, now I kind of understand because I think that worldwide in our cultures that we have a lot, a lot, a lot of young men who are never taught the truth about, y’know, being a man, about dating, about women. And they’re just so many young men, I think it’s mostly young men, but sometimes women, too, young women, that are very, very, very, very confused and they get a lot of, I’ll just say lies, let’s just be direct about it.

They get a lot of lies from the media. They get a lot of lies from parents, even. And this, of course, was the case for me. This is why I had so much trouble. And part of this problem, too, is that we are missing strong fathers. Many, many, many, many, many families are missing strong fathers. It should be, ideally, the role, the job of the father to teach his, y’know, teenage sons, and daughters, but especially sons, about dating, about being a man, about how to handle women and what to do and all of that so that it is kind of more clear and we’ll not suffer, okay?

We’ll have an understanding of what’s happening. Because it’s a very, very, very confusing topic. But most fathers don’t do that and, indeed, my father did not do that. And instead what we have, a lot of times, is mothers giving advice or messages to their sons about dating, and they give terrible advice usually, as did mine. Was she trying to hurt me and be bad to me? No, of course not. But she just had not understanding of what is required to be a man, especially in the area of dating.

And so I was so confused by these messages I got from my mom and from the media and was so miserable and so confused and it took me quite a long time to figure out the truth, and once I did, I became much happier and I am much happier now and I’m very, very happily married and I have a very great relationship with my wife and am very happy with it.

So I realized, y’know, maybe I should, maybe just as a man, not so much as an English teacher, that I should try to give a little of my own experience and wisdom. You don’t have to follow me, but I think that there are so many young men who need this, and even a lot of young women need to hear this, I believe.

And older men need to hear this so that they can teach their sons, if you have sons, teach them.

And women, if you’re a mom, don’t teach wrong stuff to your sons, okay? It’s really the role of the father to do that. Teach your daughters. Okay, this is how it’s been for thousands of years and really this is what we should be doing. So that’s why I’m going to do this lesson.

On the negative side, why is there so much confusion? Why do so many young men feel lost in this area of dating and miserable, miserable? Well, number one, because there is a war on boys. It is in the school systems and it is in the media, where the message is again and again and again about how evil and terrible men and boys are and how the natural behaviors of boys and men are somehow bad.

Y’know, this is a feminist movement mostly, but it’s found all through our cultures. And I see it in the East and I see it in the West. It is most strong in the West, but I see it even in the East. And the messages are that being rough and being kind of wild and being strong and being masculine is somehow bad. That being kind of aggressive and competitive is somehow bad. And that boys need to be sweet and nice like girls.

And, y’know, schools punish boys much more and try to force them to be more like girls, more kind of sweet and quiet and obedient. And the message we get from Hollywood, in a lot of Hollywood movies, television shows, are also lies. For example, in the dating area, that women are attracted to nice guys, nice, sweet guys. That’s what women want. This is what I believed when I was younger because that’s what my mom told me, that’s what a lot of women around me told me. That’s what the media told me.

A lot of romantic comedies feature the nice guy. Oh, the poor nice guy, and he struggles and struggles and in the end the woman chooses the sweet, nice guys. These are lies mostly. Of course, you can find examples of this, but in general, these are lies. They’re not true. It’s also a lie that men are evil or bad or oppressors or that natural male behavior is somehow bad. It’s not. It’s great. Okay, we’re meant to be this way. You should be strong and proud of it.

So now I’ll give you some, what’s called the red pill, we’ve talked about this in other videos, but, y’know, the hard truth. The real truth as I see it from a male perspective about dating. Number one, women are not attracted generally to nice guys because nice means weak and nice means feminine. Y’know, when we use the word nice in English, it just means kind of, like you’re kind of quiet and you’re kind of obedient and you’re sweet. You’re always polite.

Some of these things are okay, but in general, it gives the picture of a very feminine man. If you act nice all the time, you’re kind of feminine. You’re kind of weak. And women generally are not attracted to guys like this. They’re not. They might say they are, and many times they will because that’s politically correct. And sometimes, they’re just confused because they like nice guys. They like them as friends, for example, right? Nice people make great friends and they’re easy to be around and get along with.

So they may like nice guys but they don’t respect nice guys and they’re not attracted to nice guys. And this is where so much confusion for young men happens. They’re told to be nice and so they do it. Oh, I’m a gentleman, I’m so sweet and nice. And they like a girl or several girls and the girls are nice to them and maybe kind of friends. And then they watch that girl go off with some jerk, some guy who’s not nice, right? Even, many times with some bad boy.

And they’re like, I don’t understand, why? I’m such a good guy and she says she likes me. She says I’m a nice guy, but then she goes and dates this bad guy. And they’re totally confused and I used to complain about this all the time when I was young and was confused about it and thought it meant there was something wrong with women and they’re liars. I got very negative about it when I was very young, meaning like a teenager, because I didn’t understand it and it was very frustrating to me.

So what’s the truth? Do women like evil guys? Well, sometimes. But it’s not really the badness that the women are attracted to. It’s the confidence and the strength. See, attraction is something that is different than liking. You like people maybe for their personality and, y’know, for friendship, all of these things.

But attraction is kind of a deeper thing, almost genetic. Let’s say, actually, many parts of it are genetic because, of course, there’s a physical attraction, right?

So men are attracted to certain physical qualities in women. That’s just how it is. Well, women, too. But it’s not just physical qualities. There are also sort of personality qualities. And the big ones for women, they’re attracted to strength and confidence in men. They feel that emotion of attraction like, they’re just pulled towards those strong, confident men.

And they don’t feel that same attraction to sweet, nice, weak men. They just don’t. No matter how nice you are. They may like you. They may be your friends, but if you’re just always sweet and nice and kind of weak, you kind of talk with a weak voice all the time, you just aren’t going to attract many women.

That’s the sad truth. I’m sorry guys. That’s the truth. And I’m sure all the honest women out there will agree with me, okay? If they really want to be honest, that’s who they are attracted to.

And that’s why many times you’ll see that women are attracted to bad boys. It’s not that…they’re not really attracted to the fact that the guys are bad or they’re jerks or they’re mean. What they’re attracted to is the bad boys are confident, right? They’re not apologizing. They’re strong. They’re confident. They do what they want in life. They go after what they want in life. That’s very, very attractive. I mean, they’re kind of leaders in many ways.

So what’s the solution if you are a good person, you’re a good guy, let’s say for the boys out there, the young men. Well, here’s the thing. Nice sucks. Let me get this in your head. Nice sucks. I don’t like that word. Nice. Because nice equals weak. It’s an excuse to be weak. I’m a nice guy. I just do what other people tell me all the time and I just always, y’know, very, very weak and good but not really good.

See goodness can be strong. So forget nice. Just don’t try to be nice. Don’t use the word nice. I’m a nice guy, blech. No, be a strong and virtuous guy, man. Be a strong and virtuous man, young man, old man, doesn’t matter. Strong and virtuous. Virtuous means good, goodness. So, no, you don’t have to be a bad guy. In fact, don’t, don’t do that. Of course not. You want to be, y’know, honorable and honest and kind to people, of course you do. But you also want to be strong, strong and virtuous.

In fact, being virtuous is difficult. You have to be strong to be virtuous. A lot of nice guys, they do it because they’re weak, but you can’t trust them. You can’t trust them because when things become tough they will stab you in the back. They will betray you. They will run away. They will lie. Many times, that niceness is just on the surface. They’re doing it so that nobody will, y’know, criticize them. To be good and honest and strong, that’s touch sometimes.

So if you want to attract, young men, if you want to attract women, you must be strong and virtuous, strong and virtuous. Will you always attract every single woman? No. Every time you like a woman, can you always attract her? Of course not. But in general, to attract more women, to be more attractive to women, you need to be strong and virtuous. Concentrate on those two things, not on being nice.

Okay, women are attracted to men, not boys, men who are confident, who are leaders, who are strong in their own lives. That’s what most women are attracted to. So if you want to have success dating, that’s what you need to develop in yourself. And you have it, because those are natural male traits.

Let’s get specific. Number one, start with the body. Get stronger physically. Okay, look, I’m not Arnold Schwarzenegger, obviously, okay, just my natural body type, it’s hard for me to put on lots of muscle. But still, I lift weights and I do body weight exercises, strength exercises. And as I’ve done that, I have developed more confidence. Physical strength gives you more confidence. It’s attractive to women and it gives you more, actually, leadership ability with other men as well.

So number one, get stronger physically. Young men out there or people who are married, it doesn’t matter, old men…start lifting weights or doing body weight strength exercises, pullups, pushups or weightlifting or all of those. It doesn’t matter. You choose, but get stronger physically. This will help you so much. If you’re married, it will help you to be a better husband and your wife will be more attracted to you. If you’re trying to date, women will be more attracted to you. You don’t have to be a huge bodybuilder, just get stronger physically as best you can.

Number two, you must develop a strong purpose and life goals, a strong purpose and life goals, okay?

People in general, and women especially, are not attracted to men who just kind of, they’re just laying around and watch TV all day. And they don’t know what they want to do and they just do what other people tell them. What’s attractive, much more attractive to women, dating or marriage, is a man who has a purpose, right?

You have important goals for you and you go after them. Okay, this is very important. And these goals need to be outside of women. They should have nothing to do with women at all. They should be yours only. And these must be the most important things to you in your life, y’know? So for example, I have my business, Effortless English, that’s one of my big ones. I’m also doing jiu-jitsu. I’ve got a few in my life and you should, too. And these should be very, very important for you and you should strongly pursue those life goals and that life purpose, okay? And your life purpose should not be, oh, I want to find a girl, no, no, no, no, no.

Number three, you should develop your male friends and male respect first. So you need to have other guys, other men who are your friends. This should be your first. You don’t need a lot of them, one or two, just good friends who are male are enough. And then probably, too, develop some kind of male camaraderie, connection, that you do a sport for example, where you meet other guys, other men. And it should just be men only, not women, no women involved, okay? So that you focus on getting the respect of other men, very, very important. This is very attractive to women.

Number four, stop pathetically chasing women. They should be chasing you, okay? If you’re strong physically and strong mentally, if you’ve got strong goals and you’re going after them, if you’ve got good male friends and a good connection with other men, if you’re living a great life, women will start coming after you.

You will be attractive to them so you don’t need to think, oh, like you’re begging, oh, please women, please date me, please like me. That’s very unattractive. The more confident and strong you become, the more you get your life going well, women will naturally start to be attracted to you. You won’t have to work so hard. It’s good. Part of that is you should qualify women.

One problem a lot of young men have, and men in general, is they just chase any attractive woman that they see. Oh, she’s beautiful. I must have her. Oh, I like her. And they don’t qualify them. By qualify, I mean like a job interview. Is she a good woman? Does she have the same values as you? If she doesn’t, forget her.

I don’t care if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, if she’s a mean person, an unhappy person, if she’s a selfish person, if she’s not virtuous, doesn’t share the same values as you, forget her. Forget her, okay? A little bit of sex is not worth it. She will make you miserable. You don’t want her, okay? So you need to decide what are your values and only date women who share those values.

Or when you’re dating, try to find out what their values are if they don’t have the same values as you, goodbye. You can be nice about it, of course. You can be kind about it, I should use the word kind. You can be kind and polite about it but, y’know, move on. So date good and virtuous women. That is my initial dating advice.

Am I the super dating expert? No, I’m not. But young men and even men out there who are married, this will help. Try these, y’know, five or six steps that I just gave you. Try it for a month or two. See if you see a big improvement. Your life will be much happier and the women, your girlfriends, the women you date, your wives, they will also be happier when you do these things.

Alright, see you next time. Bye for now.