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Critics - VIP Commentary

Hi, this is AJ again. Welcome to the commentary. Let’s start. So let’s continue about this idea of critics, criticism. I think it’s an important topic because it really is something that deeply affects a lot of people, probably all of us, most people at some level. Some people can be very, very intimidated by this, by the idea of criticism, critics, and critics can come from lots of different places.

Some people really worry about critics and criticism within their own family, extended family, you know parents. So I’ve seen this sometimes on our forums, for example, or even on our Effortless English Facebook page, that people really worry about what their parents will think and in some cultures this is even more important. In many Asian cultures, for example, the kids can sometimes be very, very, very concerned about criticism coming from their parents, that if they try something different, if they try to take a risk, that the parents are gonna really criticism them strongly and they might.

I’ve seen this especially with members who maybe want to do something that their parents don’t want them to do. They want to go study abroad and their parents don’t want them to or they want to try a career that’s interesting to them, but the parents want them to do something that’s maybe more traditional and boring. There are lots of different variations of this. So criticism could come from your family.

Criticism can come from coworkers or people within your job or your company. That’s another common source that people fear, especially like a boss. We tend to, I think, fear criticism most from people who we feel are above us or have some power over us. That makes sense. That’s almost survival because they have the power to affect us. So that’s the kind of criticism that is perhaps the scariest, but it’s also the kind that we really must confront most strongly. It’s easy to ignore someone you don’t know, a total stranger, easier at least, but harder when you know them.

Friends can be another source. Now, if you have a friend or certain friends who are always criticizing and who always seem to lower your confidence then my advice would be to find different friends because that’s not much of a friend if they’re constantly doing that. Sometimes we just have friends who are, you know, they’re generally great friends, but still they may have strong opinions about something so if you try to do something different they might criticize you.

Another common reason, sometimes it’s good to understand why someone might criticize you. One reason is some people might be afraid themselves that you’re going to somehow leave them or care about them less. This can be especially true in families and among friends. I’ll give you an example from my own life. After I started Effortless English and it started growing and becoming bigger and more successful, I started doing better financially and just started having a lot more abundance in my life. Prior to that, I always lived super simply. Still do actually, but I was broke basically. I didn’t have any money at all.

Several of my friends still were in that situation and I think some of them started feeling a little strange and weird as I started to make more money. Even though I didn’t go out and buy a bunch of cars, nothing like that, but just the fact that obviously I was now making a lot more money than ever in the past and they weren’t. I think some of my friends, not all, but a few started feeling a little uncomfortable with that. I think mostly they were just worried that maybe somehow I would change and decide I didn’t want to be their friend anymore or, I don’t know, start playing golf at the country club all the time and ignore them.

So they sometimes maybe gave me a little bit of criticism. I’m not even sure I would call it criticism, but more of I could just sense. I could feel a little bit of a negative feeling or attitude from them and, of course, I still valued them as friends. So that bothered me for a little while, but then using all these things I’ve described and, also, just by relaxing and being myself eventually that just disappeared. They realized ah, no problem. You know, everything is fine still.

So sometimes time will help. This is also very true with parents, most parents. Some parents, I don’t know, I guess some parents will totally cutoff their children forever. It happens, but most parents will get very, very upset for a while and then eventually over time they will come to accept their child’s decision.

I had this with my parents somewhat. With more of my general lifestyle before I started the company Effortless English, I just liked to live a very free kind of mobile lifestyle. I was constantly traveling. I never held one job for a long time because I couldn’t travel.

So I would work one job for maybe one year or two years and then I’d want to travel. I’d also get really bored, so I’d quit my job and then I would go off to Japan or go travel in India or live in Thailand.

It seemed very unsettled to my parents and it made them nervous and so I kind of was rejecting to a lot of the more traditional lifestyle that they had chosen and maybe they felt that I was criticizing them in that way. So for whatever reason they were not so happy about it so there was, again, this tension, but time helped. Over time they started to relax. They started to accept that I was not the same as they were and that I didn’t want the same kind of life.

They started to realize well, it seems really risky and unsettled, but AJ seems to be doing okay. It’s working for him. He seems generally happy. So they finally just sort of relaxed and accepted it. They eventually just gave up. AJ is always going to be traveling around. He’ll never have a good job. He’ll never make any money and then that actually did change too, so I think they’re happy now.

So the point is that sometimes with people who are close to you who are critics, that can feel the scariest and sometimes you just have to accept it. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to change them, change their mind and there’s nothing you can do to change your feeling about it. You’re going to just, you know, you’re gonna kind of feel unhappy that your parents are upset. You’re going to be unhappy a little bit that your friends are upset, but you have to just keep going forward anyway.

What you have to remind yourself is that with time they will relax. With time they will begin to accept. With time they will see that everything is okay and if they don’t, they don’t. You just have to sometimes agree to disagree. Sometimes you just have to agree we’re different. You don’t like it, but it’s my life. You have to take responsibility for your own life and just sort of ignore or disengage from that criticism.

So that’s the kind of criticism you’re most likely to encounter with people close to you. It usually is coming from some fear on their part. With parents it’s usually that maybe you’re gonna be miserable and fail and they’re worried about you. If they care about you that can be the source of it. Another source of it can be that they fear that you’re going to change as you become more successful and that you’ll leave them behind or that you won’t want to deal with them anymore. That’s another possible thing.

Time is really the best solution to both of those. You still have to go forward. Don’t let it stop you. I’ve seen on our Facebook page sometimes that some people they won’t do things because they’re afraid of what their parents will think and that’s crazy because what your parents really want deep down is for you to be happy and successful and to do that you have to go your own way and take chances.

So that’s one category of critics, those who actually care about you and are close to you and that’s the best way to deal with those. You can also talk to them. If you have a good relationship you can actually just talk about these things. Talk about your feelings, let them talk about theirs. Reassure them. Help them to realize that yes, you understand what they’re saying, that you’re going to be okay, that you still care about them. All that can help.

The other category of critics, which is what I talked about in the main lesson, these are really people who do not care about you. They are not worried about you and your best interest. That’s not why they’re doing it, right? They’re attacking you for other reasons and those reasons are about them. Those reasons are about them wanting to feel more important often times. Those reasons are because they feel that what you’re doing somehow threatens them. Those reasons might be that they’re jealous of you, that they envy you.

There are a lot of different motivations for people who are attacking you or criticizing you. The main thing is you just can’t get worried about it. It doesn’t matter. It’s their problem and you have to move on. When you can, fire them. Get rid of them. Just get them out of your life completely. If it’s on a website comments I’m always amazed when I go to some online community. Any topic, there are always it seems several people who are just mean, nasty people and they’re always saying terrible things about other people. They’re always trying to start fights and I am always amazed that the person who owns the website doesn’t get rid of them. I don’t understand it.

I’ll give you an example, kite surfing, right? I’m starting to learn how to kite surf and I’ve gone to a few kite surfing forums, communities. You know, there’ll usually be about 80-90% of the people are very helpful. You ask a question and they’ll give their advice and they’re wonderful, but there are always a couple people who are mean and nasty and just say really insulting terrible things. It’s obvious that they’re very immature. It’s obvious that they’re trying to make themselves feel better by putting other people down, but what I don’t understand is why the owner or the moderators of the forum don’t just get rid of these people.

I mean sometimes we have this idea that oh, you know freedom of speech and all this stuff. We can’t do that. We have to just let everyone do whatever they want. Well, in public that’s certainly true, but it’s not true in your own business. It’s not true in your own family. It’s not true on your website that you own. It’s not true on your own Facebook page. You don’t have to tolerate these people. Get rid of them. Whenever you can, get rid of them. Get them out of your life.

If it’s someone who was a friend but they’ve become quite nasty and they really are making you feel miserable and unhappy, you don’t have to keep being their friend. Get rid of them. If it’s someone in an online community, get rid of them. Goodbye. That’s what we do and out others members thank us again and again whenever we do this because they always know they have a happy, supportive, friendly place to communicate.

So I think that sometimes we think we don’t have that power when we do. We actually have a lot more power to get these people out of our lives either totally or at least mostly, even in a company setting. Maybe you don’t have the power to fire somebody, but you don’t have to work with them anymore. You can even go to your boss and say you know what? I don’t want to work with this person. I’ll do the minimum, what’s necessary, but I generally don’t want to work with this person. If you don’t want to talk to your boss about it, you can go and talk to other people.

If you have a department or a job where it’s really terrible and nasty and everyone is like that, get another job. Don’t tell them, but go start looking for jobs. Start applying for jobs while you still have one yourself, so you’ve still got money coming in while you’re job searching in your spare time. So then you find a new job and then you quit the old one.

Do whatever you need to do to get away from these really hateful, mean, nasty people.

Then, as I said before, also, the positive side of this is to seek out people who are encouraging. Seek out people who make you feel more confident. Seek out people who are going to support you. If you want feedback then seek out positive coaches who will give you advice, but at the same time they’re going to make you feel strong. They make you feel like you can do it, that you will do it. They make you feel like yes, you can succeed and that you should.

See, good coaches push you to take chances. They push you to try. They push you to do more. Critics try to hold you back. They criticize you for doing more. They criticize you for taking chances. That’s the difference, right? Some coaches can be quite tough and maybe they don’t seem so sweet, but the reason you know that they’re still a good coach is that they’re pushing you to do what you really want. They’re pushing you to try more, be more, take risks, take chances. That’s what good coaches do. Critics it’s quite the opposite.

All right, so, finally, I would like you to just lighten up and relax about it and to trust yourself. This is a theme that we talk about again and again and again, so I think the final piece of this is that you have to learn again to trust yourself. Trust your own vision.

Trust your own goals. Even if lots of people are criticizing you, you have to trust in yourself and keep going forward.

If everyone is criticizing you, I mean everybody, especially people you really respect and trust and people who don’t normally criticize you much, then you might stop and consider what they’re saying and really think deeply about it, but when it’s just this kind of criticism from people who are negative or people who are afraid for some reason, like parents or something, then you may hear it, but you need to go forward. You gotta trust in your own vision and just trust that you need to do what’s right for you.

That’s the message this month. I hope you have a great month. Get on our social site.

Get on our VIP site, our club site and share your experiences with handling criticism. If you’ve had problems with it, if you fear it, then share that. Tell us about it and maybe we can all share our strategies for how we handle critics and criticism.

Okay, I will see you again. Have a great day, bye-bye.