درسنامه اصلی

Adoption – Coaching Lesson

Hi, I’m AJ, welcome to this month’s lesson. Three years ago my sister and her husband submitted their application to adopt a child. The first application was actually to the country of Venezuela. They were going to adopt a child from Venezuela because the adoption agency told them that they had a good orphanage down there and that this would be a good opportunity for them to adopt a child.

So my sister and her husband, they were very excited. They submitted the application and they had to do all kinds of paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork. Some social workers had to come to their house and talk to them and look at their house and even see their other children. They had to examine their finances, their bank accounts, their businesses, to make sure they had enough money to take care of a new child. And then they had to, of course, do paperwork for the American government and paperwork for the Venezuelan government.

Well, months and months and months went by after they submitted their application. And they thought they were getting close. They thought the time was getting close. Finally, they were going to get a child from the orphanage down there. And just when they thought it was time and they’re finally going to do it after, I think it was eight or nine months of waiting and waiting and waiting, the adoption agency in the United States called them and said, “We have bad news, the orphanage in Venezuela has some problems and you cannot adopt a child from them. You have to start over again. You have to start the whole process again.” And, of course, they were extremely disappointed. But they wanted to get another child, they wanted to help another child, and they specifically wanted to help a child that…that needed help. A child that didn’t have parents, a child that probably would have a very tough life without being adopted. So they talked to the adoption agency in the United States and the agency said, “Y’know, things have changed and really China is probably a better place to adopt from right now. They have a good system. They’re very well organized, they take care of the kids very well. That’s probably a good place to do it instead.” So they talked to each other, my sister and her husband, and they finally decided, okay, let’s do it. We’ll try again and we’ll do an application to adopt a child in China. So they did all the paperwork again, all the visits from the social workers, everything had to be repeated, which took many months. Finally, they submitted their application and then they had to wait and wait and wait.

After some time, they got information that they might need to wait as long as five years, five years! They were extremely upset. But then the adoption agency told them that if they adopted a child that had medical problems, then they would not have to wait so long. So they agreed, “Okay, let’s do it. We can do that. We can adopt a child that has medical problems and as long as we can help the child, y’know, be healthier.” So they agreed to that. They changed their application and they had to wait more months, months and months. Then after waiting almost a year and a half, the adoption said, “Well, y’know, your trying to get a girl,” because they wanted a girl, “and actually there’s a very long wait for girls. But if you’re willing to get a boy, then you can get one sooner.” So they said, “Okay, well that’s fine. We’ll do that. We’ll change to a boy.” And then the agency said, “And if you’re willing to adopt two then you can get them even sooner.” So, they discussed. They talked to each other and they decided, okay, we’ll do it. We’ll adopt two boys with medical problems from China. So that we don’t have to wait five years. Well, they still had to wait another year and a half, so that it was almost a total of three years from when they started to when they finally got notice that they could go and get their two new children from China.

By the way, their names are Apollo and Maddux, that’s their names. Apollo and Maddux, two little boys, but each of them with some medical problems. Apollo has some problems with his stomach and needed some operations on his intestines and Maddux has this kind of special genetic disease which means he has to eat a very, very, very special diet or else he could get very sick. So anyway, they agreed to that. They were super excited, so happy, finally, YAY!

And the day arrived for them to fly to China. So they did, they got on the plane and they flew to China, flew to Beijing. Well, unfortunately, whoever organized the trip didn’t think about jet lag, right? So jet lag is when you, when you fly a long distance through different time zones and then your sleep gets all confused. Your body gets confused, doesn’t know when is it night, when is it day, when should your body sleep, when should it eat. It’s actually…it’s very tiring, very exhausting.

I have to deal with jet lag a lot because I travel internationally a lot. And I tell you it’s no fun at all. When I travel internationally, because I have control over my travel, I always arrive early so that I have several days to just relax and rest and adjust to the local time, get my sleep back to normal. Well, sadly, whoever planned the trip to China for my sister and her husband, they didn’t do that.

So they arrived in Beijing one day. Tried to go to bed, but they couldn’t sleep, of course, because they had jet lag. Next morning, the local organizers made them wake up and then started dragging them around, taking them around Beijing, showing them the different tourist sites. Which normally they would have been happy to see except they were exhausted. They’d been on a flight for probably 14, 15 hours. They got no sleep the night before, so they were exhausted.

But then the next day they just wanted to rest in their hotel, but, no the local agency insisted, “No, no, no, we’ve got to show you all this stuff.” So they drug them all around Beijing for a couple of days doing site seeing, to show them the famous sites. And I’m sure the local people, they were just excited. They wanted them to see the local culture. It’s understandable, but the schedule wasn’t very good so my sister and her husband were completely exhausted after a few days.

Then they flew them down to the south of China where they would go meet the babies. And still, no moment of rest. They kept them busy the whole time. Finally, the day came for them to see the babies, YAY! And they got their two new babies, so happy. But, of course, the babies were a little shocked. The babies were used to being in an orphanage, right? They had a, y’know, they had a routine. They had people they were used to at the orphanage.

And so, my sister and her husband, they were just two strange people they’d never seen before. So what did the babies do? They cried and cried and cried. So they took the babies back to the hotel, crying and crying and crying. They cried all night. So again, another night of no sleep, absolutely, completely exhausted.

Now, of course, in the long term this is a good thing for the babies. They get a nice family. They get actually two brothers and another sister, a nice stable family that loves them and cares for them. They don’t grow up in an orphanage. But in the short term, it was very stressful for the babies, right? Their whole world suddenly changed.

Well, for the next two days, the babies just crying and crying, screaming, and nobody can get any sleep. And then finally, after they ran around and did all this paperwork and stuff, they finally got the babies and flew home, another, y’know, like 14, 15 hour flight. Of course, the babies screamed and cried during the whole flight, which is extremely stressful, stressful for my sister, of course, stressful for everybody on the plane.

When they finally got home to Indiana, everybody got sick. Not surprising, right? They’d been exhausted. Nobody was sleeping, tons and tons of stress, changing their food, changing time zones, all of that. My sister got sick. Her husband got sick. The two babies got quite sick. And so for the next, I don’t know, maybe week to 10 days, everybody felt horrible, sick, just laying around in bed feeling terrible.

It got worse. Well, good and bad actually, I would say. One of the babies, Maddux, he adjusted quite quickly. So quite quickly he connected with my sister and her husband. And he would smile and he would want them to pick him up and he adjusted actually fairly easily. Unfortunately, the other baby, Apollo, did not. And Apollo, for probably a couple of months would scream and cry every time my sister would try to pick him up.

Now, you can imagine how tough this was for her, right? So she wanted to be loving and caring for him. She wanted to pick him up and hold him, right? This was her new son that she just adopted, but every time she picked him up he screamed and acted like he hated her. It’s understandable. It was a huge change for him. But incredibly difficult and stressful for my sister and indeed for her husband as well. A very, very, very hard, tough situation and process. Y’know, three years of waiting and stress and difficulty. And when they finally get them, even more stress. Everybody gets sick. One of the babies doesn’t seem to like them. Horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Well, two months later, my wife and I visit and we meet the two new babies for the first time, Maddox and Apollo. And the first time I meet them, same thing. Maddux, he’s fine. We pick him up. He’s a very smiley baby, very happy. But Apollo, oh not. First of all, Apollo still had a lot of serious problems with his digestion, with his intestines. And anytime he would eat, he’d feel pain. He’d get these cramps in his stomach. So that was part of the reason he was so miserable. But also it was just the shock of his whole life changing suddenly.

So I remember I would, first time I met him, I’d try, “Oh, hi, Apollo,” tried to touch him and he made this face and started screaming. And then the next time I saw him, the next day, same thing. Now luckily we stayed with them for two full months. And eventually I decided I don’t care if he cries, I’m just going to pick him up and hold him anyway. Just going to force him, I’m going to force him to be next to me.

And so I started doing that and indeed everybody, my sister decided that, too. She said, “We can’t, we can’t do this anymore. He’s a baby and he needs love. He needs the connection so even if he cries, we have to hold him. We have to pick him up. We have to get him used to us and used to being held so he knows that it’s safe.” So everybody started just picking him up and holding him, even if he’s crying. He would try to even hit you sometimes and push away. Say, “No, no, no, good baby,” and keep holding him. Even the kids, the other kids, did the same thing.

Well, finally after two more months, probably more like six more weeks, when Tomei and I, my wife and I were almost ready to leave, there was a sudden, huge change with Apollo. For one thing, I think they started getting some help for his stomach problems. They made some changes and he was able to eat better without so much pain. So he started smiling for the first time. It took like, y’know, three and a half, four months before he would smile. Kind of sad for a little baby.

But then finally he started smiling a little bit. And then I can remember one day in particular where something changed. I was playing with the other kids, my sister’s other children. And when I play with them they like to…they like to jump on me and attack me and like, it’s very…right? So I’m like, y’know, we play with these little soft foam swords and attack each other. They hit me. Augh…get Uncle AJ. And I kind of attack them back.

So they were all running around attacking me and Apollo, I saw, from the corner of my eye, I noticed Apollo was watching and laughing. He’s like, a-ha, ha, ha, ha. So I thought, oh let’s try something. So I went over and I said, “Oh, Apollo!” And I kind of very, very gently pretended like I was attacking him. And then I gave him a little foam sword and he…he kind of pretended to hit me with it. And when he did, I started laughing, “Oh, Apollo is attacking me, ahhh!” And he started to laugh. It was the first time I ever saw him laugh. It was amazing.

So he started to laugh and so I kind of picked him up and he was laughing and he started playing with the other kids. And, of course, he was already getting closer to his new mom and his dad. And by the time we left, finally he seemed happy. He was laughing. He loved to be picked up and held. He was playing with the other kids.

It was quite a change. And it was, y’know, finally after all of that time, especially for my sister and her husband, it seemed like the stress was finally beginning to go away. They finally had their two new children. Finally, there seemed to be a connection. Both kids seemed to be happy and smiling and doing well. And they finally had their new family, their complete new family. Whew.

Well, I thought about this and I suppose my first question was, wow, why did my sister do this because that was a lot of stress, a lot of stress and pain she went through for, what, three and a half years. And I wondered, y’know, what is she getting from this really? I understand that it helps the babies, of course, but how does it help her?

But then I thought about it and I thought about some experiences in my own life and I realized that we get some kind of special meaning, some kind of special happiness, some kind of special joy when we help the helpless. When we help those who are suffering or who are weak, and for whatever reason, can’t help themselves, right?

They were helpless babies. There’s nothing those babies could do to help themselves, to make their own life better. Now the orphanages in China, I think, were…it sounds like, were quite good and, of course, the staff did their best. But it’s not the same as having a mom and a dad and brothers and sisters. It’s just not. It can’t be. And so my sister, y’know, she got a feeling of meaning and purpose and happiness by helping these two little babies that probably would have, y’know, not a very happy life if they weren’t adopted, if she hadn’t helped them, if her and her husband hadn’t helped them.

And then I thought about, y’know, Kristin, our great teacher here at Learn Real English. And Kristin, for many years, has volunteered at an animal shelter, a local animal shelter in San Francisco. And she goes and she just holds the little kitties and, I think mostly cats she works with, but she holds the animals that people have left there. And she gets a great feeling of happiness and satisfaction from doing that.

And again, I thought, y’know, why, why is that? Because obviously those cats can’t give her anything. She doesn’t get paid for it. But again, there’s something I think deep inside as humans that when we help someone without really getting much back and we help someone or something that is helpless, that can’t help itself or themselves, it kind of wakes up, I think, maybe the best part of ourselves, our spirit, our soul, whatever name you want to use for it. And I think that special awakening only happens when we help for no reason and especially when we help the helpless. It’s a kind of a spiritual feeling, I think.

And so, what I’m going to ask you to do this month, no, I’m not going to ask you to go adopt children. That’s a big one. It’s one that I can’t even do. I’m not ready to do with my own life. But what I am going to ask you is this, to consider this idea of helping the helpless. And to see if this month you can do something very small to help someone who just can’t help themselves.

Now, what could that be? That might mean a child. Again, no, you don’t have to adopt a child, but there are programs like…in America we have program called Big Brothers Big Sisters. And you can volunteer. You just go and you kind of become a mentor. You hang out with some child who maybe is having trouble.

Maybe they don’t have a dad or a mom, or maybe they’re even living in an orphanage or something. And you can just go, and you just go hang out with them once a week or once a month. Chat with them and you become kind of their mentor like their big brother or their big sister. It just shows them someone cares, just that little act can be powerful.

Now maybe kids are not the group you want to help or maybe you have your own kids and you don’t need any more. It could be animals. Animals are another example. Animals are pretty much helpless, right? They can’t really help themselves. They can’t talk. Nobody is going to defend them or protect them except for people like us.

So you could go volunteer at a shelter. Maybe some shelters will bring in wildlife, like wild animals that are injured or hurt and then take care of them and hopefully help them to go back into the wild again. You could volunteer at a place like that. Or maybe just a shelter for dogs and cats and rabbits and birds, those kind of animals. And again, they need help and it’s just your little act of helping can make a difference.

Or maybe you prefer to work with adult human beings. For example, homeless people. There can be some adults, especially some homeless people, who are just having such trouble in life, such a hard time in their life right now, that they feel completely hopeless. They just don’t have the emotion and mental power to help themselves right now.

And just by volunteering a little bit, just by doing something a little big kind for them, you can show them that somebody cares and that can help give them that power again so they can stand up and possibly improve their life. The truth is it doesn’t matter what they do and whether they do or not. What’s important is just that you make a little effort, just try a little bit.

What this is really about is contributing in a selfless way, selfless contribution. Y’know, we can contribute in ways that will also benefit us and there’s nothing wrong with that. I encourage it. It’s great. But it’s also important, I think sometimes to try to contribute without any reward. Without anything coming back except that feeling of connection and contribution and love that you get when you help someone or something else that just can’t help themselves.

So this month, I encourage you to do that and just do it in a small way. It doesn’t have to be huge. I’m not asking you to adopt children. Just do something small, one small gesture. And after you do it, I would like you to tell us about it on our Ning social site or on social media. Just let us know. I think we can all be inspired by these little tiny acts of kindness.

I look forward to reading about yours. See you next time. Bye for now.